Threads (revision)*** Changed title, was Sonnet IV., Tweaked a little more*** Options

[Psyche]

REVISION


The seafront airs Thalia's joyful pleas
that dance against the pinewoods, moist with rain;
recalls an ancient shrine with russet frieze
and ruffles my sleek horse’s silver mane.

What dreams have slipped my mind these years, or by
which stellar laws have failed to lure my heart?
The tide is tanned with spume this dawn -I sigh
in sufferance, not wishing to depart.

In whispers, wraith-like shrouds beneath the sea
divine unwritten rules the Fates have found
to stay my soul, or souls who yearn for me

this morn. My mind forswears the spindle's sound,
as if today some secret, nameless key
unlocks the fount to sway my life around.

By Psyche.

Note:
1. Changed 'jesting' to 'joyful' in L1. Thalia is one of the Three Graces, who bring beauty, joy and happiness to men and Greek gods.
2. In S4, L1, used 'spindle's sound'. One of the Fates, Clotho, uses her spindle to provide the thread of life, which the others dispose of by measuring and cutting. The Fates spin out the destiny of babes, three days after they're born. They represent predetermination, as opposed to free will.







ORIGINAL


The seafront vents an adamantine breeze
that pounds against the pinewoods, moist with rain;
recalls an ancient shrine with russet frieze,
blasts my attendant horse’s mangled mane.

What dreams have slipped my mind these years, or by
what stellar law have failed to lure my heart?
The tide is tanned with spume this dawn, -I sigh
in sufferance, not wishing to depart.

Whispering wraithlike shrouds beneath the sea
divine unwritten rules the Fates have bound
to stay my soul, or souls who yearn for me

this morn. My mind forswears such barren ground,
as if today some secret, nameless key
unlocks a source to sway my life around.


By Psyche.

[Larry]

Hi Syl,

I had this all together at midnight last night but became tired and went to bed and this morning find that Merlin was also up then with a critter or two. (“Sufferance is three syllables”)! A lot of it along the same lines I noticed and then Daniel addressed more of it at the crack of dawn with a very passable sonnet of his own while inserting critique in his usual hilarious manner. I’ll just post this behind their two and let you weed out what you will.

Three asterisks, huh? Okay, here is the best I can do for you and I’ll let you take what I offer and go from there. You start with perfect IP and nice alliteration in S1 but “adamantine breeze” is kind of an oxymoron. If this breeze is only firm, a mere zephyr or gentle wind, it would not accomplish by its strength all you are assigning to it. Perhaps substitute “gale” for “breeze”. A breeze of any kind would neither pound against pinewoods nor blast your horse’s mane.
Your rhyming word at the end of L3 might then be changed to “veil” because it is also a type of decoration or to “bell” because a lot of shrines have them or even to “shell” because of where the shrine seems to be situated.
I did like the picture you paint of the raging seafront but was immediately put off by “breeze”. Something much more forceful is needed to match the pounding and blasting going on in that stanza and with more strength, drenched with rain could be a possibility.

The seafront vents an adamantine breeze
that pounds against the pinewoods, moist with rain;
recalls an ancient shrine with russet frieze,
blasts my attendant horse’s mangled mane.

S2/L2 – “which” in lieu of “what” (you used what directly above in L1) and then – stellar law “has” or stellar laws “have”

What dreams have slipped my mind these years, or by
what stellar law have failed to lure my heart?
The tide is tanned with spume this dawn, -I sigh
in sufferance, not wishing to depart.

S3/L1 – You start with a dactylic meter (stressed followed by two unstressed syllables). Perhaps – “In whispers, wraithlike shrouds…”

Whispering wraithlike shrouds beneath the sea
divine unwritten rules the Fates have bound
to stay my soul, or souls who yearn for me

I, like Merlin, also feel that for such a powerful and emotional poem need something more than “source” in the last line. Maybe “fount”!

this morn. My mind forswears such barren ground,
as if today some secret, nameless key
unlocks a source to sway my life around.

This is a beautiful piece and you should come over to this side of the fence more often.


Larry