Friendly Ghosts *, Revision II Options

[Psyche]

REVISION II


I stroll through crowds,
awareness unexceptional today,
savouring aromas of ripe watermelons.
Perhaps I’ll take that yellow pumpkin
and a ½ kilo of kiwis?

Is that your face in the market?

Unpredictable, yet constant.
No confrontations.
Profile’s turned away now.
I’ll take the kiwis, Rosa,
then a watermelon and four beets will do.
No pumpkin today.

Did I glimpse your face in the market?

Blue blue eyes,
hairline slightly receding,
trim beard, whimsical air of comedy.
A good likeness, yes.
Right! 10 pesos it is...adiós Rosa,
I’ll hurry back now.
Must check in at 9 a.m.

Why do you hover in the crowds?

In appearance weightless,
you don't beset me;
a sporadic silhouette
amidst resolute shoppers.

A presence in improbable spots:
gestures in queues at the ticket office
(you loved theatre!),
the shape of a head, outlined in dimness.
One gets used to it.

Friendly features come and go:
my eyes devour them,
my heart is a crystal goblet
brimming over with fine reminiscences.

I allow ghosts to visit,
then send them on their way.

Sylvia Evelyn, Bariloche, Argentine Patagonia. 2015.








ORIGINAL

Whose is that face in the market?

I stroll through crowds,
awareness unexceptional today,
eyeing some watermelons.
Perhaps I’ll take that yellow pumpkin
and a ½ kilo of kiwis?

It’s a familiar face. Seen it around.
Profile’s turned away now.
- I’ll take the kiwis, Rosa,
not the pumpkin today,
and I think four beets will do.

Whose is that face in the market?

Blue blue eyes,
hairline slightly receding,
trim beard, whimsical air of comedy.
A good likeness, yes.
- Right! 5 pesos it is...adiós Rosa,
I’ll hurry back now.
Must check in at 9 a.m.

And whose is that face in the market?

Standing your ground,
in appearance weightless,
a sporadic silhouette
amidst resolute shoppers.
I get visits in improbable spots:
a gesture in queues at the ticket office
(you loved theatre!),
the shape of a head, outlined in dimness.
One gets used to it.

Friendly ghosts come and go:
my eyes devour them,
my heart is a crystal goblet
brimming over with fine reminiscences.

I allow ghosts to visit,
then send them on their way.

Sylvia Evelyn, Bariloche, Argentine Patagonia. 2015.

[JustDaniel]

Greetings, Syl!

It's great to see you writing again. I don't frequently visit this forum, as you know, because I horribly struggle in my rare attempts at free verse.

This if a very thoughtful and thought-provoking piece. In fact on second and third reads it made me wonder what kind of reminiscences my wife might have when I pass from the scene. I've done quite a bit of thinking on such things after the four operations on my right knee this past year and the feeble struggle I've had trying to be active again, constantly fighting depression. At 70 who knows how much longer I'll be around. I am pleased to say that the past couple of weeks I've finally regained (though with difficulty) the ability to walk up and down stairs 'normally'. It's still hard, but it's no longer a monumental chore.

Well, enough of that... sheesh! See what this made me do!

I'm not much of at critiquing FV, but I know what I like, and this is one that I do!

deLightingly, Daniel

[Psyche]

Hello to you, Daniel!

I apologize for not answering your detailed critique far sooner. You've made some good points. I shall post a Revision asap., taking into account your advice.
I keep telling you rhymers that you can be very helpful in this forum. You can suggest better word usage, alliterations (or not), and last but most important, you can help with inner rhyming words, at random, perhaps. Or end rhymes that rhyme with an inner rhyme. That trick adds musicality to the piece.

This poem may not be suitable for that, but many are.
So don't be 'umble or make excuses, we love you!

I'm so sorry to hear about your bad knee. Four operations in one year...wow... You're brave to tackle the stairs again. I hope you've not had too much pain.
Constant pain brings on depression. But you appear to be getting a lot better, and...70 is a fine age!

Your cheerfulness and jokes will help a lot. Besides, destiny brings many surprises. Life is pure hazard, you cannot know who will be having the reminiscences, OK?

Tx so much for stepping in. It's interesting to know how one's poems move readers in different directions.

Take care, cheers, Syl***

Greetings, Syl!

It's great to see you writing again. I don't frequently visit this forum, as you know, because I horribly struggle in my rare attempts at free verse.

This if a very thoughtful and thought-provoking piece. In fact on second and third reads it made me wonder what kind of reminiscences my wife might have when I pass from the scene. I've done quite a bit of thinking on such things after the four operations on my right knee this past year and the feeble struggle I've had trying to be active again, constantly fighting depression. At 70 who knows how much longer I'll be around. I am pleased to say that the past couple of weeks I've finally regained (though with difficulty) the ability to walk up and down stairs 'normally'. It's still hard, but it's no longer a monumental chore.

Well, enough of that... sheesh! See what this made me do!

I'm not much of at critiquing FV, but I know what I like, and this is one that I do!

deLightingly, Daniel