The Witch's Potion (few edits) Options

[Eisa]

I've dragged this out of the depths of the archives and given it a makeover!
I've also just revised the last stanza to make it less moralistic more humorous/sardonic.

I've chosen Elderberry as there is a lot of folklore connected with the elder tree. The branches signify remorse and flowers sorrow. Elderberries are said to soothe sore nerves. Witches have been connected with the elderberry tree. (and lots more)


The Witch’s Potion

Contempt is sprinkled with a pinch of pique
and slowly added to her odious pot.
She whisks some spite into the mix to wreak
revenge. It bubbles until piping hot.

Enticed, you sniff the effervescent brew
and salivating test a morsel first,
but soon you're hooked on ladles of her stew
and gobble quickly, unaware it's cursed.

Awakening, Chimera's madness surges
through your body, bending as it shakes
with rage. Unleashed, your tongue succumbs to urges
bludgeoning your prey until he quakes.

As anger ebbs away the victim grieves
and burnt with guilt you vow a change of heart.
but impish temptress cackles as she leaves
I'm sure you'll love my elderberry tart.

---------------------------------------------------
St3 was

Awakening, Chimera's madness surges
through your blood and hands begin to shake
with rage. Unleashed, your tongue succumbs to urges
bludgeoning your prey until he aches.

------------------------------------
1st revision of last stanza was:

Remorse comes late to ease your victim's woes.
When anger ebbs away, the crone departs,
mischievously she cackles as she goes
'I'm sure you'll love my elderberry tart.'


-----------------------------------
original last stanza was:
Remorse comes late to ease your victim's woes.
As anger ebbs away, the temptress leaves
her mischief made - but just before she goes
you hear her cackle, What did that achieve?

[Cleo_Serapis]

Hi Snow,

OK, I am back again - I love this one (I love all your poetry)! I enjoyed the title - for a less obvious one - perhaps just 'Potion' as an alternate?
Here are a few things I observed with regard to the rhythm.


Contempt is sprinkled with a pinch of pique
and slowly added to her odious pot.
She whisks some spite into the mix to wreak
revenge. It bubbles until piping hot.
Above, I feel a slight bump with 'it bubbles until piping hot'. A suggestion I have is perhaps change to: revenge. It bubbles up until its hot.

Enticed, you sniff the effervescent brew <<Perhaps for a slightly different view: Enticed, you're drawn by Effervescent's brew?
and salivating test a morsel first, salivating is a mouthful, lol. What if you changed it to drooling - and drooling test a {scrumptious} morsel first -
but soon you're hooked on ladles of her stew
and gobble quickly, unaware it's cursed.

Awakening, Chimera's madness surges
through your blood and hands begin to shake
with rage. Unleashed, your tongue succumbs to urges
bludgeoning your prey until he aches.
^^LUV THIS!

Remorse comes late to ease your victim's woes.
When anger ebbs away, the crone departs,
mischievously she cackles as she goes
'I'm sure you'll love my elderberry tart.'

SWEET!
Enjoyed the read.
~Cleo