Survival *** (a new ending) Options

[Eisa]

I've changed the ending here. Wally thought that it needed a different end, but his suggestion didn't fit with my intentions. However I've thought about this and come up with an ending that I feel fits in with my way of thinking.





Survival (with new ending)

I wait
......... ensconced inside my sphagnum hide
as unsuspecting creatures forage near.
My escalating hunger won't subside
while odours saturate the atmosphere.

Vibrations stir the undergrowth, I feel
a scurry close but I'm concealed among
the moss and lie stock-still. I hear a squeal,
obtain a scent by flickering my tongue.

Strike!
..........I quickly coil around him; death's
embrace, his limbs grow limp. Deprived of claws,
I seize head-on and taste his final breath
as rhythmic muscles draw him through my jaws.

Though camouflaged in shadows, distant howls
disturb my rest, I sense a passing beast
Gliding away I hear his sudden growl -
raccoon returns to claim
.......................................me as his feast.


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Survival

I wait
... ensconced inside my sphagnum hide
while unsuspecting creatures forage near.
My escalating hunger won't subside
as odours saturate the atmosphere.

Vibrations stir the undergrowth, I feel
a scurry close but I'm concealed among
the moss and lie stock-still. I hear a squeal,
obtain a scent by flickering my tongue.

Strike!
... I quickly coil around him; death's
embrace, his limbs grow limp. Deprived of claws,
I seize head-on and taste his final breath,
while muscle rhythms draw him through my jaws.

Engorged, I glide towards a hiding place
where shadows camouflage from passing beast;
inside a cave I curl, yet heed them pace
outside, as I digest my rattus feast.

[Larry]

I like it Snow,

But...
While reading through for the umpteenth time, I realized that all your poem is in IP except for S3/L1.

Perhaps:

"I strike
and quickly coil around him; death's"

As always, TOT!

p.s. - poor snake


Larry

[Eisa]

I like it Snow,

But...
While reading through for the umpteenth time, I realized that all your poem is in IP except for S3/L1.

Perhaps:

"I strike
and quickly coil around him; death's"

As always, TOT!

p.s. - poor snake


Larry

Hi Larry

How good of you to return to this again. Yes that line was deliberately written that way as a deviation. There are some who believe that all sonnets should have some deviation to add interest. I don't know where I stand really. I suppose I started that line with 'Strike' to be more abrupt. I'll certainly think on that some more.

Yes! Poor snake! his time was up.

Snow