 PAST MORTAL KEN, *** Sonnet in Iambic tet |
Mosaic Musings...interactive poetry reviews > Poetry Forums > Fixed Form and Rhyming Poetry for Critique -> Herme's Homilies
 Jul 22 14, 01:29
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 Laureate Legionnaire  Posts: 783 Joined: 24-July 07 From: South Africa Member No.: 457 Real Name: Walter Schwim Writer of: Poetry & Prose Referred By:Mistral  |
The tour is far, the route adverse
our quests beset with balk and woe. Most outcomes of our toil obverse and greed shall tax what seed we sow. Today, great rivers test our mind that desert plains tomorrow be lush pastures vast and unconfined; more fertile than the plundered sea. Tomorrow’s walls we need transcend should man aspire to touch the stars; at cost mere kings can’t comprehend, untranquil mist our wisdom bars . . . Whilst dreams yet dreams may long remain, we’ll dream our God-games just the same. Edit 1  This sonnet peeps into mankind’s indomitable will to master his environment at all cost, against adversity and setback. Although the wisdom of such endeavors could at times be questionable, without dreams we are nothing. Copyright WW Schwim 22 July 2014 ·······  ······· |
  
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Aug 18 14, 07:30
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 Mosaic Master  Posts: 18,892 Joined: 1-August 03 From: Massachusetts Member No.: 2 Real Name: Lori Kanter Writer of: Poetry & Prose Referred By:Imhotep |
Hi Wally,
 A bit more serious sonnet in this lovely poem!  I do not see an issue on my first reading with 'untranquil mist' other than to perhaps place an emdash there to pause before reading 'our wisdom bars'. Here are just a few thoughts below to ponder as you wish... QUOTE The tour is far, the route adverse [Perhaps: The journey's far - for a bit less abrupt sound?] our quests beset with balk and woe. Most outcomes of our toil obverse and greed shall tax what seed we sow. Today, great rivers test our mind that desert plains tomorrow be lush pastures vast and unconfined; more fertile than the plundered sea. [I love the closing couplet here!] [For the below stanza- I suggest changing as follows: Delete the comma at end of L1, use semi-colon at end of L2, start L3 with 'A' instead of 'at' and replace 'untranquil' with 'untranquiled mist-'. In L5, perhaps replace second 'dreams' with 'fate'? Love the closing line!]  Tomorrow's walls we need transcend, should man aspire to touch the stars at cost mere kings can't comprehend untranquil mist our wisdom bars . . . Whilst dreams yet dreams may long remain, we'll dream our God-games just the same. Enjoyed the read! ~Cleo 
······· ·······"It's a dangerous business, Frodo, going out your door. You step into the Road, and if you don't keep your feet, there is no knowing where you might be swept off to." ~ J.R.R Tolkien, The Lord of the Rings
Collaboration feeds innovation. In the spirit of workshopping, please revisit those threads you've critiqued to see if the author has incorporated your ideas, or requests further feedback from you. In addition, reciprocate with those who've responded to you in kind. "I believe it is the act of remembrance, long after our bones have turned to dust, to be the true essence of an afterlife." ~ Lorraine M. Kanter Nominate a poem for the InterBoard Poetry Competition by taking into careful consideration those poems you feel would best represent Mosaic Musings. For details, click into the IBPC nomination forum. Did that poem just captivate you? Nominate it for the Faery award today! If perfection of form allured your muse, propose the Crown Jewels award. For more information, click here!  "Worry looks around, Sorry looks back, Faith looks up." ~ Early detection can save your life.MM Award Winner           |
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Posts in this topic
Thoth PAST MORTAL KEN Jul 22 14, 01:29 
jerryk Good morn, Walter;
enjoyed reading your deeply ref... Jul 22 14, 07:03 Thoth Hey Jerry
Thanks for stopping by to read. Your co... Jul 22 14, 07:24 
jerryk QUOTE (Thoth @ Jul 22 14, 05:24 ) Hey Jer... Jul 22 14, 10:44 Larry Hi Wally,
Glad to see you back and posting once m... Jul 22 14, 14:23 JustDaniel Please, Wally, will you post the first
edition and... Jul 23 14, 13:59 Psyche Hi Wally,
I've just read your poem and will n... Aug 1 14, 23:46 Thoth Hello Larry, Thanks for those suggestions you are ... Aug 2 14, 05:11 Keith Logan Wally,
As a simple rhymer I seldom (if ever) writ... Aug 5 14, 03:08 Maggie Sad yet beautiful, Wally. Love it!
Peggy Aug 22 14, 17:15 Thoth Kieth and Maggie, Thanks for popping in to read.
... Aug 23 14, 03:32 Cleo_Serapis Hi Wally,
I look forward to seeing any changes yo... Aug 27 14, 06:40 1 User(s) are reading this topic (1 Guests and 0 Anonymous Users)
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