Signs ***, Self pity, in answer to Jerry's cheerfulness! Options

[Psyche]

Signs

When we were brash of heart and full of play,
embracing by the lake, svelte swans glided
close to shore. Sensual scenes confided
in earthy words, with kinky toys held sway -

Myth’s lovers shrugged off portents of bleak fate:
Leda’s raunchy trysts with Swan’s beak untrue!
We missed the relished lane that leads anew
to fancied nuptial chains we claimed could wait.

Today I brawl beside the loathsome lake
and trace a humbled heart with bloodstone dew
on mirrored heavens… - entranced, hope renews,
but drifts embodied in the knave swans’ wake.

Old sylphine chants inform my soul that you
in faith will not reverse my contrite state.

By Psyche

Copyright: Sylvia Evelyn, Bariloche, Argentina, 2014.



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[jerryk]

Hi again, Sylvia;
I have dabbled in the 3 major sonnet forms and I must admit that I’m most comfortable with the English (Shakespearean) because it has the simplest and most flexible pattern that lends itself to my more humorous writings. Besides, it is the most popular form in the English speaking world. Each quatrain builds upon the other with the encapsulating couplet that leaves the reader with a new concluding thought. There is much more to a sonnet than its basic form of 14 lines, but I won’t get into this right now.
I’m a traditionalist, and therefore (as said in another post) I prefer to adhere to the capping of the first letter in each line. But that’s neither here nor there. Also, I recall several sonnets that do not have a rhymed couplet, but I make a conscious effort to emulate the masters—not that there is anything wrong with exploring one’s own fancy. Some thoughts on your composition:
a) I’m not sure about the tile “Signs.” Where is the connection?
b) When I write an iambic sonnet, I abstain from toggling between trochees and iambs, as I see in v1 line 4. However, it’s permissible when you use a name, such as “Leda’s raunchy trysts” In the case of other rhymed poetry, mixing some trochees and Iambs is arguably permissible.
Pleasure reading your sonnet, Sylvia. See below. I wish you husband a speedy recovery,
Jerry
Signs

When we were brash of heart and full of play,
embracing by the lake, svelte swans glided
close to shore. Sensual scenes confided (should start with iamb)
in earthy words, with kinky toys held sway -

Myth’s lovers shrugged off portents of bleak fate:
Leda’s raunchy trysts with Swan’s beak untrue! ( slight stumble for me)
We missed the relished lane that leads anew
to fancied nuptial chains we claimed could wait.

Today I brawl beside the loathsome lake
and trace a humbled heart with bloodstone dew
on mirrored heavens… - entranced, hope renews, (just a dash; near rhyme is a stumble for me)
but drifts embodied in the knave swans’ wake.
Old sylphine chants inform my soul that you (I would rhyme the couplet)
in faith will not reverse my contrite state.