Signs ***, Self pity, in answer to Jerry's cheerfulness! Options

[Psyche]

Signs

When we were brash of heart and full of play,
embracing by the lake, svelte swans glided
close to shore. Sensual scenes confided
in earthy words, with kinky toys held sway -

Myth’s lovers shrugged off portents of bleak fate:
Leda’s raunchy trysts with Swan’s beak untrue!
We missed the relished lane that leads anew
to fancied nuptial chains we claimed could wait.

Today I brawl beside the loathsome lake
and trace a humbled heart with bloodstone dew
on mirrored heavens… - entranced, hope renews,
but drifts embodied in the knave swans’ wake.

Old sylphine chants inform my soul that you
in faith will not reverse my contrite state.

By Psyche

Copyright: Sylvia Evelyn, Bariloche, Argentina, 2014.



www.commons.wikimedia.org
File:Copy of 'Leda and the Swan', Leonardo da Vinci.

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[jerryk]

Signs

When we were brash of heart and full of play,
embracing by the lake, svelte swans glided
close to shore. Sensual scenes confided
in earthy words, with kinky toys held sway - I love this line

Myth’s lovers shrugged off portents of bleak fate:
Leda’s raunchy trysts with Swan’s beak untrue! this rings a bell, lol
We missed the relished lane that leads anew
to fancied nuptial chains we claimed could wait.

Today I brawl beside the loathsome lake
and trace a humbled heart with bloodstone dew near-rhyme
on mirrored heavens… - entranced, hope renews,
but drifts embodied in the knave swans’ wake.

Old sylphine chants inform my soul that you couplet should be rhymed
in faith will not reverse my contrite state.

By Psyche

Copyright: Sylvia Evelyn, Bariloche, Argentina, 2014.

www.commons.wikimedia.org
File:Copy of 'Leda and the Swan', Leonardo da Vinci.

Hello Sylvia;
well, well; so, I inspired you to write a sonnet? I love the overall mood expressed in this contemporary sonnet on a mythological theme that's (just possibly) intermingled with personal reflections on failed love (I hope it isn't so, lol).
You indicated that substantial critique is desired? I'm too enthralled by your write to offer more than I have noted in your text. I'm sure, a more detailed feedback than mine will be forthcoming, but I accept a poem's contents rather than its perfection; and I love yours.
Jerry

[Psyche]

Hi Jerry!
Thanks so much for visiting and commenting. I've taken note of your remarks, everything helps! Enthralled? Wow...
No, it's not from personal experience, but it does revolve around some worries concerning a family member. That said, poetry always leads one down fictitious lanes in addition to the true issue. I think.
I'm also looking forward to some crits on metrics. I never seem to hit the right note...LOL

Signs

When we were brash of heart and full of play,
embracing by the lake, svelte swans glided
close to shore. Sensual scenes confided
in earthy words, with kinky toys held sway - I love this line <<<<<< Tx!

Myth’s lovers shrugged off portents of bleak fate:
Leda’s raunchy trysts with Swan’s beak untrue! this rings a bell, lol <<<<< What bell, may I ask? Just curious. Perhaps it's too raunchy for our forums...I found some quite "shocking" paintings of the Swan making love to Leda with its beak, by famous artists. She was punished, but we'll leave that out now.

We missed the relished lane that leads anew
to fancied nuptial chains we claimed could wait.

Today I brawl beside the loathsome lake
and trace a humbled heart with bloodstone dew near-rhyme <<<<< I wonder why modern poets tend to want perfect rhymes, when revered W.S. didn't bother much about that. His perfect meter was probably enhanced by his near and/or imperfect rhymes. I put a link to his Sonnet I, which is so very beautiful.
on mirrored heavens… - entranced, hope renews,
but drifts embodied in the knave swans’ wake.

Old sylphine chants inform my soul that you couplet should be rhymed
in faith will not reverse my contrite state.

Here again, some poets whom I admire greatly, like Christina Rossetti and Elizabeth Barrett Browning, did not end their sonnets with a rhyming couplet.
Maybe I should push those two lines up, so that my rhyme scheme is easier to follow? Would that help? Of course, I've no objection to somebody helping me to arrange the rhyming couplet at the end, so long as the meaning's intact...LOL..
And thanks so much, Jerry, your poem activated something in my mind, for unknown reasons. Been moving house, got a sick husband, so my inspiration is practically nil. Cheers!



By Psyche

Copyright: Sylvia Evelyn, Bariloche, Argentina, 2014.

www.commons.wikimedia.org
File:Copy of 'Leda and the Swan', Leonardo da Vinci.
[/b]

Hello Sylvia;
well, well; so, I inspired you to write a sonnet? I love the overall mood expressed in this contemporary sonnet on a mythological theme that's (just possibly) intermingled with personal reflections on failed love (I hope it isn't so, lol).
You indicated that substantial critique is desired? I'm too enthralled by your write to offer more than I have noted in your text. I'm sure, a more detailed feedback than mine will be forthcoming, but I accept a poem's contents rather than its perfection; and I love yours.
Jerry

Links, placed here only because I started to explore, for my own learning purposes, stuff vaguely remembered from school days! Hope they work...



http://www.shakespeares-sonnets.com/sonnet/1


http://www.poetryfoundation.org/poem/174266
Christina Rossetti's "Remember".