 A Door to Curiosity REVISION #1 **** CRIT WELCOME, variation on a sonnet, from a challenge |
Mosaic Musings...interactive poetry reviews > Poetry Forums > Fixed Form and Rhyming Poetry for Critique -> Herme's Homilies
 Jun 22 13, 06:10
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 Ornate Oracle  Posts: 20,748 Joined: 2-August 03 From: Southwest New Jersey, USA Member No.: 6 Real Name: Daniel J Ricketts, Sr. Writer of: Poetry Referred By:Lori  |
In case you're curious, Sylvia suggested that I post this here from the challenges:
REVISION #1 ... Thanks, Larry and Lori!  A Door to Curiosity Walking the halls of his high school last week, something made his curiosity peak. Daybreak peeked in from a place where he swore he'd never noticed a doorway before! Faintly a song had emerged from the mist seeping out under the door... which was locked. Nearly in shock, he looked 'round to enlist help to gain entrance to where he had knocked. No one was there, so he battered and kicked 'til he became so worn out, he sat down right where he was, heaving hard; he was licked.... Suddenly out of the space came a clown mocking the rube like Uriah the Heep. Thoroughly humbled, I woke from my sleep. © MLee Dickens'son 2013 from a challenge to use the words: daybreak, song, mist and shock... and the phrase: He'd never noticed a door there before. ·······  ·······Slow down; things will go faster!
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Jul 21 13, 12:27
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 Mosaic Master  Posts: 18,892 Joined: 1-August 03 From: Massachusetts Member No.: 2 Real Name: Lori Kanter Writer of: Poetry & Prose Referred By:Imhotep |
Hi Daniel,
FABULOUS revision! Nice inner rhymes as well.  Let me take a look again: Walking the halls of his high school last week, something made his curiosity peak. **Even though the syl count is accurate, I think it sounds better if you add 'had' - something had made his curiosity peak.** the slants of thing and made need a soft go-between methinks. Daybreak peeked in from a place where he swore he'd never noticed a doorway before! Faintly a song had emerged from the mist seeping out under the door... which was locked. Nearly in shock, he looked 'round to enlist help to gain entrance to where he had knocked. No one was there, so he battered and kicked 'til he became so worn out, he sat down right where he was, heaving hard; he was licked.... ***delete one endstop Suddenly out of the space came a clown mocking the rube like Uriah the Heep. Thoroughly humbled, I woke from my sleep. Enjoyed! ~Cleo 
······· ·······"It's a dangerous business, Frodo, going out your door. You step into the Road, and if you don't keep your feet, there is no knowing where you might be swept off to." ~ J.R.R Tolkien, The Lord of the Rings
Collaboration feeds innovation. In the spirit of workshopping, please revisit those threads you've critiqued to see if the author has incorporated your ideas, or requests further feedback from you. In addition, reciprocate with those who've responded to you in kind. "I believe it is the act of remembrance, long after our bones have turned to dust, to be the true essence of an afterlife." ~ Lorraine M. Kanter Nominate a poem for the InterBoard Poetry Competition by taking into careful consideration those poems you feel would best represent Mosaic Musings. For details, click into the IBPC nomination forum. Did that poem just captivate you? Nominate it for the Faery award today! If perfection of form allured your muse, propose the Crown Jewels award. For more information, click here!  "Worry looks around, Sorry looks back, Faith looks up." ~ Early detection can save your life.MM Award Winner      |
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Posts in this topic
JustDaniel A Door to Curiosity REVISION #1 **** CRIT WELCOME Jun 22 13, 06:10 
Larry Hi Daniel,
Surely "A Door To Curiosity... Jun 23 13, 23:31 
JustDaniel QUOTE (Larry @ Jun 24 13, 00:31 ) Hi Dani... Jul 20 13, 11:48 Merlin Hi JD,
I wrote one a while back that wasn't in... Jun 24 13, 17:08 JustDaniel QUOTE (Merlin @ Jun 24 13, 18:08 ) Hi JD,... Jul 20 13, 11:50 Cleo_Serapis Ha ha Daniel!
That was a fun poem to read; gl... Jun 24 13, 18:00 JustDaniel QUOTE (Cleo_Serapis @ Jun 24 13, 19:00 ) ... Jul 20 13, 11:53 Psyche Hey Merlin!
I've enjoyed this 'dif... Jun 27 13, 03:19 JustDaniel QUOTE (Psyche @ Jun 27 13, 04:19 ) Hey Me... Jul 20 13, 11:59 Larry Hey Sylvia,
I know Merlin posted right before you... Jun 27 13, 08:45 JustDaniel Hey, y'all....
I've been away for a week... Jul 1 13, 06:35 Larry Hi Daniel,
Welcome back from your holiday. Sorry... Jul 1 13, 10:14 JustDaniel QUOTE (Larry @ Jul 1 13, 11:14 ) Hi Danie... Jul 20 13, 12:47 Psyche So sorry, Daniel, for my mixup, please forgive... Jul 6 13, 15:06 JustDaniel QUOTE (Psyche @ Jul 6 13, 16:06 ) So sorr... Jul 20 13, 12:50 Cleo_Serapis Hi Daniel,
I came back to take another 'peek... Jul 15 13, 13:28 JustDaniel QUOTE (Cleo_Serapis @ Jul 15 13, 14:28 ) ... Jul 20 13, 12:54 JustDaniel Thank you all for your assistance with this. I de... Jul 15 13, 17:21 Cleo_Serapis Hi Daniel,
Just checking in - are we going to be... Jul 20 13, 10:31 JustDaniel QUOTE (Cleo_Serapis @ Jul 20 13, 11:31 ) ... Jul 20 13, 13:10 Larry Hi Daniel,
Excellent revision...
It has lilt and... Jul 20 13, 16:09 JustDaniel Thank you for your help, Larry, and I appreciate y... Jul 20 13, 21:01 Cleo_Serapis Hi Daniel,
I just noticed one more thing and want... Jul 21 13, 18:55 Psyche Hi Daniel, at last!
I had a good laugh wh... Jul 27 13, 01:49 Cleo_Serapis Hi Daniel,
Just checking in one last time before... Jul 29 13, 05:29 1 User(s) are reading this topic (1 Guests and 0 Anonymous Users)
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