Sunset, pondering a better, non-cliche title Options

[Guest_Dove_*]

(revision)


Sunkist


Spoonfuls of sugar
frost blueberries,
with a banana on the side.

Many
mandarin slices,
strawberry swirls,
cherry toppings,
kiwi leaves,
plum halves,
and the last
sliver of peach
are plucked and packaged;
ripe pear-shaped day.

Pomegranate seeds,
grape wine perfume,
and rosemary aroma
waft around the
pealed coconut that orbits;
eggplant night.

(original)


Sunset


Spoonfuls of sugar
cover blueberries,
with a banana on the side.

Many
mandarin slices,
strawberry splotches,
cherry stems,
kiwi leaves,
plum halves,
and the last
sliver of peach;
ripe pear-shaped day.

Pomegranate seeds,
grape wine perfume,
cranberry strings,
pealed coconut orbiting;
eggplant night.

[AMETHYST]

Hi Dove,

Yes, I certainly agree with Dolly that this is both unusual and beautiful. Many of the ingredients that make up this wonderful sunset were a bit odd, such as the stems and not the cherries. At first, as I read I thought I was envisioning a sunrise through sunset, a day in our live and the wonders we don't often get to see.

I especially love "eggplant night" to end this. Let's see what other thoughts I might leave..

I thought you might get more wear of these fruit-filled images if you weaved them into the vision you are presenting to the reader. To blend and mesh them so to speak, as the sky would do with these colors and hues.

Very vivid account and as for the title, I think the title is completely fitting as the body of the poem never really says what it is but the title has offered the scene for the reader.


Best wishes, Liz

Spoonfuls of sugar
cover blueberries,
with a banana on the side.

some examples would be to omit spoonfuls.
Beginning with
Sugar sprinkled
blueberries
blend banana yellow
from the east
skirting
mandarin slices...


Omitting 'many" and bringing the second stanza up to the first.


Many
mandarin slices,
strawberry splotches,

perhaps strawberry spirals

cherry stems,
kiwi leaves,

Cherry stems? Perhaps
we can get the entire cherry in there...

Cherries with stems
touching kiwi leaves

plum halves,
and the last
sliver of peach;
ripe pear-shaped day.

I would love to see these last two lines be joined with the ending, such as:
plum halves
and a last
sliver of peach
to ripen
a pear-shaped day
into an eggplant night.


Pomegranate seeds,
grape wine perfume,
cranberry strings,
pealed coconut orbiting;
eggplant night.