NOT QUITE WHITE ***, free verse Options

[Maureen]

NOT QUITE WHITE - Amended version


White was nice,
white was bland,
white was not a colour.

God, he was sick of white – neutral white – blank palette white.
White overalls, white dustsheets.
Everyone was the same, like bloody sheep following the leader.
They all wanted white.

Where were the blues,
the pistachios,
cerise and aubergines?

When had white become the go?
Safe old white – cold white.
Icy white, white out, antique white.

What’s right with white?

He sat under the filtered light from the skylight,
smelt the fresh plaster,
noted the grain in the timber banisters soon to be painted white
and as he stirred and stirred
the colours deepened,
became strong and vibrant.
Alive.

He smiled. Surrounded by glass he stood
viewing the panorama of nature's vibrancy.

Green and blue,
yellow buttercups, wild crocus
and fluffy white clouds.

He began to paint his walls...
Not quite white.

NOT QUITE WHITE


White was nice, white was bland, white was not a colour.
God he was sick of white – neutral white – blank palette white.
White overalls, white dust sheets. Everyone was the same
like bloody sheep following the leader. They all wanted white.

Where were the blues, the pistachios, cerise and aubergines?
When had white become the go – safe old white – cold white
Icy white, white out, antique white. What’s right with white?

He sat under the light that filtered through the skylight,
He smelt the fresh plaster, noted the grain in the timber banisters,
soon to be painted white and as he stirred and stirred
the colours deepened, became strong and vibrant. Alive.

He smiled, stood there surrounded by glass, viewing the panorama
of natures vibrancy. Green and blue, yellow buttercups, wild crocus
and fluffy white clouds. He began to paint his walls. Not quite white.

Maureen Clifford ©

[Cleo_Serapis]

Hi Maureen,

I was pleasantly surprised reading your poem this morning as I had no idea what the content would be based on your title.

I see the nom for the IPBC - I will post it officially in our IBPC forum and send you a PM to go there and comment. If you would like to have this sent on to the competition for July's entries, please let me know by the end of this month. I must send in our nominations between the 1st and 3rd. Also, you'd need to let me know whcih version to send and when any further revisions are completed.

As for my commentary, I enjoyed this poem and the content. At first I was thinking there are too many of the word 'white' but as I continued to read the poem, I found I liked it that way! There are also some nice inner rhymes going on which is essential in free verse I think. Applying inner rhymes and alliteration with metaphors, similes etc. always seems to make a poem more profound.

I have made comments in WORD and will paste them in here now. Personally, I am not bothered by your amendment to center the poem, although I think it would look good left aligned as well. I do favor the amended for it's flow more so (the line breaks). Having said that, there are some punctuation tidbits that I will address. PLease feel free to T or T (take or toss) my suggestions.

{delete} [add]

White was nice,
white was bland,
white was not a colour.

God[,] he was sick of white – neutral white – blank palette white.
White overalls, white dust sheets. <-- dustsheets should be one word
Everyone was the same[,] like bloody sheep following the leader.
They all wanted white.

Where were the blues,
the pistachios,
cerise and aubergines?

When had white become the go?
Safe old white – cold white[.]<-- Add an end stop for a more dramatic pause here
Icy white, white out, antique white.

What’s right with white?

Here, I would change the tense to match the rest: He sat {Sitting} under the filtered light from the skylight,
{he} smelt the fresh plaster,
noted the grain in the timber banisters{,} soon to be painted white
and as he stirred and stirred
the colours deepened,
became strong and vibrant.
Alive.

He smiled, {as he stood} surrounded by glass{,}
viewing the panorama of nature[']s <-- Add apostrophe vibrancy.

Green and blue,
yellow buttercups, wild crocus
and fluffy white clouds.

He began to paint his walls. <-- Here, I would change to an ellipse for that pause . . .
Not quite white.

Enjoyed,
~Cleo