Survival *** (a new ending) Options

[Eisa]

I've changed the ending here. Wally thought that it needed a different end, but his suggestion didn't fit with my intentions. However I've thought about this and come up with an ending that I feel fits in with my way of thinking.





Survival (with new ending)

I wait
......... ensconced inside my sphagnum hide
as unsuspecting creatures forage near.
My escalating hunger won't subside
while odours saturate the atmosphere.

Vibrations stir the undergrowth, I feel
a scurry close but I'm concealed among
the moss and lie stock-still. I hear a squeal,
obtain a scent by flickering my tongue.

Strike!
..........I quickly coil around him; death's
embrace, his limbs grow limp. Deprived of claws,
I seize head-on and taste his final breath
as rhythmic muscles draw him through my jaws.

Though camouflaged in shadows, distant howls
disturb my rest, I sense a passing beast
Gliding away I hear his sudden growl -
raccoon returns to claim
.......................................me as his feast.


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Survival

I wait
... ensconced inside my sphagnum hide
while unsuspecting creatures forage near.
My escalating hunger won't subside
as odours saturate the atmosphere.

Vibrations stir the undergrowth, I feel
a scurry close but I'm concealed among
the moss and lie stock-still. I hear a squeal,
obtain a scent by flickering my tongue.

Strike!
... I quickly coil around him; death's
embrace, his limbs grow limp. Deprived of claws,
I seize head-on and taste his final breath,
while muscle rhythms draw him through my jaws.

Engorged, I glide towards a hiding place
where shadows camouflage from passing beast;
inside a cave I curl, yet heed them pace
outside, as I digest my rattus feast.

[Eisa]

Hi Wally

I's really good to 'see' you again.

I've found a few interesting oldies in the archives that I'm wondering if I can improve. This one originated from one of the first poems I wrote.

Thanks for picking up the 2 'as - I'll fix that.

The poem is about survival of the snake - yes ... and I quite like that it doesn't give away too much too soon. The snake might appear to be dominant, but they have very poor vision, have lo limbs and rely on vibrations and obtaining scent through the tongue. You say they are in no way threatened - but they do have many enemies and are prey to large birds, wild boars, mongooses, raccoons, foxes, coyotes and even other snakes. They only attack when they are disturbed and unsure of their fate.

I suppose I sound like a snake lover - well since my son had a pet corn snake (which I did my best to stop!)and we started breeding them and eventually I was left with them when he went to uni, I do perhaps understand them better now. However, they are my snakes and I would feel completely different about meeting one in the wild!

Anyway, back to my poem. I agree this has no underlying metaphor or message. I suppose when I started writing poetry that wasn't my intent and I can't think of any lessons to be learned from the snake itself.
However, I realise some do like a poem to be thought provoking and I will think on this. Perhaps I could end with a verse about the starving villagers across the river, who struggle for their own survival. Any thoughts would be appreciated.

Snow