Survival *** (a new ending) Options

[Eisa]

I've changed the ending here. Wally thought that it needed a different end, but his suggestion didn't fit with my intentions. However I've thought about this and come up with an ending that I feel fits in with my way of thinking.





Survival (with new ending)

I wait
......... ensconced inside my sphagnum hide
as unsuspecting creatures forage near.
My escalating hunger won't subside
while odours saturate the atmosphere.

Vibrations stir the undergrowth, I feel
a scurry close but I'm concealed among
the moss and lie stock-still. I hear a squeal,
obtain a scent by flickering my tongue.

Strike!
..........I quickly coil around him; death's
embrace, his limbs grow limp. Deprived of claws,
I seize head-on and taste his final breath
as rhythmic muscles draw him through my jaws.

Though camouflaged in shadows, distant howls
disturb my rest, I sense a passing beast
Gliding away I hear his sudden growl -
raccoon returns to claim
.......................................me as his feast.


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Survival

I wait
... ensconced inside my sphagnum hide
while unsuspecting creatures forage near.
My escalating hunger won't subside
as odours saturate the atmosphere.

Vibrations stir the undergrowth, I feel
a scurry close but I'm concealed among
the moss and lie stock-still. I hear a squeal,
obtain a scent by flickering my tongue.

Strike!
... I quickly coil around him; death's
embrace, his limbs grow limp. Deprived of claws,
I seize head-on and taste his final breath,
while muscle rhythms draw him through my jaws.

Engorged, I glide towards a hiding place
where shadows camouflage from passing beast;
inside a cave I curl, yet heed them pace
outside, as I digest my rattus feast.

[Thoth]

Hi Snow

Good to read you again , (even something dragged from the archive)
The iambic pentameter structure is sound with some excellent imagery and great drama. (Loved the sphagnum hide)

In S1, both L2 and L3 lines begin with “as” so you might want to look at that.

The title could be more helpful since only by S3 did I realise where this was going. The victim was defiantly not a survivor and the subject appears quite dominant and in no way threatened. Perhaps it’s more the “circle of life and death” that you intended to portray in this sketch.

To me there is something lacking and since I can’t put a finger on it, please permit me some blunt observations which I hope are not way off the track;

A very Attenborough ish and clinical essay on the serpent hunting a rat. That’s it! Whilst the all the horror of the kill is there, described in the detached voice of the predator, there are no deeper levels or concealed metaphor, no lesson or moral. No angst or unresolved thought implanted in the reader’s sub consciousness to niggle and provoke questions.

So In my humble opinion Snow, this poem needs a powerful device to bring home the real message behind the sketch. I can’t offer any specific suggestions since I’m not really sure of where you intend to go with this one but my gut feel is that a very subtle change could transform the whole piece.

If it is intended as a simple action sketch then it is indeed skilfully described so please ignore my ramblings.

Thanks for sharing those slithering thoughts.
Hugz.

Wal