NOT QUITE WHITE ***, free verse Options

[Maureen]

NOT QUITE WHITE - Amended version


White was nice,
white was bland,
white was not a colour.

God, he was sick of white – neutral white – blank palette white.
White overalls, white dustsheets.
Everyone was the same, like bloody sheep following the leader.
They all wanted white.

Where were the blues,
the pistachios,
cerise and aubergines?

When had white become the go?
Safe old white – cold white.
Icy white, white out, antique white.

What’s right with white?

He sat under the filtered light from the skylight,
smelt the fresh plaster,
noted the grain in the timber banisters soon to be painted white
and as he stirred and stirred
the colours deepened,
became strong and vibrant.
Alive.

He smiled. Surrounded by glass he stood
viewing the panorama of nature's vibrancy.

Green and blue,
yellow buttercups, wild crocus
and fluffy white clouds.

He began to paint his walls...
Not quite white.

NOT QUITE WHITE


White was nice, white was bland, white was not a colour.
God he was sick of white – neutral white – blank palette white.
White overalls, white dust sheets. Everyone was the same
like bloody sheep following the leader. They all wanted white.

Where were the blues, the pistachios, cerise and aubergines?
When had white become the go – safe old white – cold white
Icy white, white out, antique white. What’s right with white?

He sat under the light that filtered through the skylight,
He smelt the fresh plaster, noted the grain in the timber banisters,
soon to be painted white and as he stirred and stirred
the colours deepened, became strong and vibrant. Alive.

He smiled, stood there surrounded by glass, viewing the panorama
of natures vibrancy. Green and blue, yellow buttercups, wild crocus
and fluffy white clouds. He began to paint his walls. Not quite white.

Maureen Clifford ©

[Merlin]

Hello Maureen,

I seldom come and do crit, as you may have noticed. However, since there is such an abundance of bodies, I’ll jump in here for a moment.

Personally, I did a transition from writing only R & M to FV and I use that abbreviation meaning “open form” to distinguish it as poetry, not just chopped sentences. It gave me a very broad insight into many things I hadn’t realized before, one being that writing FV is far more difficult than the fixed form which has its set rules and parameters. Therefore, the writer must have greater skill to make “verse”, as opposed to chopped lines.

That said, here I goes >>>

I like what you’ve written, and that you request input. It being FV, you may do as you wish – that is your right.

In my opinion, you should alter line lengths, in order to make it look less “fixed”. White space (yeah, ya missed that one, didn’t ya!) is often important in FV. Also, you’re likely aware of the importance of line breaks. L5, for example, could be 3 lines, using indents (a series of dots in the posting, colored the same as the background is a trick we use here)

Where were the blues,
........the pistachios,
................cerise and aubergines?

You cause the reader to pause for a moment’s hesitation to consider reasons. It also is a downhill flow, creating more impact for such a loss.

I believe you need more of the poetic devices – metaphor, simile, and such. It is still poetry! Show, don’t tell.

Everyone was the same
like bloody sheep following the leader.

Alternate

They were all the same –
bloody sheep following a leader with not one brain
among them.

I hope I’ve given a bit of food for thot, and won’t go into the misplaced capitals and punctuation, as Dan pointed out. But one exception >>>– “smelt”, is that regional or something fishy? Dya mean smelled?

Merlin