Just Looking** with 2nd tweak, Sonnet Options

[Larry]

Just Looking

In quiet reverie while on the beach
I watched the vestiges of day subside
through gentle swells infused with mauve and peach
as though Monet’s pastels had been applied

before that sequined shroud’s perceived embrace
obscured those gifts by dissipating hues.
Dark waves, erased of any twilight trace,
reflected stars in iridescent blues

until they bowed obeisantly in death
upon the sand. Alone, I contemplate
the wonders to be seen as ocean’s breath
guides mirrored queues to quotidian fate.

No answers or epiphanies are mete
as tide leaves bits of stardust near my feet.


S1/L4 did read:
It seemed that evening’s last sunbeams had cried

S2/L3 did read:
Dark waves, now robbed of any twilight’s trace,

S3/L1 did read:
until they bowed in obeisant death



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Just Looking

In quiet reverie while on the beach
I watched the vestiges of day subside
through gentle swells; painting them mauve and peach.
It seemed that evening’s last sunbeams had cried

before that sequined shroud’s coming embrace
obscured those gifts by dissipating hues.
Dark waves, now robbed of any twilight’s trace,
reflected stars in iridescent blues

until they bowed in obeisant death
upon the sand. Alone, I contemplate
the wonders to be seen as ocean’s breath
guides mirrored queues to quotidian fate.

No answers or epiphanies were mete
as tide left bits of stardust near my feet.






Note: quotidian, for those needing to look it up, means a common day to day occurrence.

[Larry]

Hi Liz, Snow & Daniel,

Sorry it’s taken so long to get back. I hope I’ve answered or addressed all the “bumps”, “crits” and nits. If not, let me know.

Here are my thought processes.

I watched the vestiges of day subside
through gentle swells infused with mauve and peach.

[ I think that something like ... through gentle swells with muted mauve and peach.]

Changing the line in this manner gives me the idea that you feel I am trying to assign the colors to the “vestiges of day”. Perhaps I might use “of muted mauve and peach” which the reader can assign to either the “vestiges” or the “swells” or both. The descriptive terms: “of muted mauve and peach” and “infused with mauve and peach” give me similar mind pictures whereas “with muted mauve and peach” seems to point more to the “vestiges of day” as opposed to the “swells’ ” colors which was my original intent.

It seemed that evening’s last sunbeams had cried

[ or... It seemed the evening sun's last beams had cried ? ]

I’ve moved in a completely different direction. See the tweak with this inserted line:
“as though Monet’s pastels had been applied”

Dark waves, now robbed of any twilight’s trace,

[ 'now robbed... reflected' and also 'of any twilight's trace' both seem awkward to my ear ? ]

Changed to:
Dark waves, erased of any twilight trace,
reflected stars in iridescent blues

until they bowed in obeisant death

[Methinks you're mispronouncing 'obeisant']

I was mispronouncing it but that’s an easy fix:
until they bowed obeisantly in death

guides mirrored queues to quotidian fate.

[ This is the most severe bump... plus I had to look up the word before I saw your footnote beneath your original! ... so if you continue to use it, perhaps: guides mirrored queues quotidian in fate.]

If you replace “quotidian” with its synonymous meanings “recurrent” and/or “daily” your suggestion would read:
“guide mirrored queues daily in fate” thus losing fate’s adjective. I would also change the meaning of waves being guided to their daily fate and not “in fate”. Whereas, if left the way it now reads: “guide mirrored queues to daily fate” would be grammatically correct.

I’ll just leave that line like it is.
Hope everyone enjoys the changes but if not, I’ll still consider constructive nits and crits. I, myself, am satisfied. Hope you are too!

Larry