THE WAITING GAME [revised], Free Verse Options

[Maureen]

Revised Version

THE WAITING GAME


Evening shadows crept into the courtyard.

Lit by the silvery glow of moonbeams,
Cerulean blue, jade green and gold
colours like a stained glass window
gleamed from her peacock feather fan.


She waited patiently – there was no rush.

Wind chimes broken reeds
tinkled in the evening breeze
as calmly, she daintily drank jasmine tea
from a delicate porcelain cup.

She heard his footsteps on the terrazzo.

The moons silver fingers caressed the moon gate,
hovered over the fallen arch
and rested lingeringly on her lover's face.
Ancient walls silently watched and waited
as did she.

Maureen Clifford ©
the Scribbly Bark Poet.






THE WAITING GAME

Evening shadows crept silently into the courtyard.

Lit by the silvery glow of moonbeams,
her elegant fan of peacock feathers gleamed
like a stained glass window.
Cerulean blue, jade green and gold.

She waited patiently – there was no rush.

The broken reeds of the wind chimes
tinkled in the evening breeze.
Calmly she daintily drank jasmine tea
from a delicate porcelain cup.

She heard his footsteps on the terrazzo.

Shadows cast by the moonlight
drifted over the fallen arch of the moon gate
and her lover's face.

The ancient walls were used to waiting,
and so was she.

Maureen Clifford ©

[Anisha]

Hi, I'm kind of a newbie to poetry writing in general, but I really loved this poem! The tone is consistent throughout and very soft and romantic. The only thing i would say is in reference to this portion:

Wind chimes broken reeds
tinkled in the evening breeze
as calmly, she daintily drank jasmine tea
from a delicate porcelain cup.

I'm slightly confused about the inclusion of 'broken reeds'. Maybe it's a reference I don't understand, but the way I read it, it is the wind chimes that are tinkling in the breeze. I really like the subtle rhyming between reeds and breeze though.

Also, the use of two adverbs (calmly and daintily) almost directly next to one other feels a bit awkward. I think you could omit the calmly, as the entire tone of the poem, as well as the use of the words daintily and delicate, exude tranquility already!