Just Looking** with 2nd tweak, Sonnet Options

[Larry]

Just Looking

In quiet reverie while on the beach
I watched the vestiges of day subside
through gentle swells infused with mauve and peach
as though Monet’s pastels had been applied

before that sequined shroud’s perceived embrace
obscured those gifts by dissipating hues.
Dark waves, erased of any twilight trace,
reflected stars in iridescent blues

until they bowed obeisantly in death
upon the sand. Alone, I contemplate
the wonders to be seen as ocean’s breath
guides mirrored queues to quotidian fate.

No answers or epiphanies are mete
as tide leaves bits of stardust near my feet.


S1/L4 did read:
It seemed that evening’s last sunbeams had cried

S2/L3 did read:
Dark waves, now robbed of any twilight’s trace,

S3/L1 did read:
until they bowed in obeisant death



-----------------



Just Looking

In quiet reverie while on the beach
I watched the vestiges of day subside
through gentle swells; painting them mauve and peach.
It seemed that evening’s last sunbeams had cried

before that sequined shroud’s coming embrace
obscured those gifts by dissipating hues.
Dark waves, now robbed of any twilight’s trace,
reflected stars in iridescent blues

until they bowed in obeisant death
upon the sand. Alone, I contemplate
the wonders to be seen as ocean’s breath
guides mirrored queues to quotidian fate.

No answers or epiphanies were mete
as tide left bits of stardust near my feet.






Note: quotidian, for those needing to look it up, means a common day to day occurrence.

[JustDaniel]

Greetings again, my fair fellow sonneteer!

I see that you addressed the 'painting' bump. Merlin noted that you only 'ask' or 'hint' for minimal critique (as though you wanted us to be only slightly more than Just Looking ?, in that you only attached two *'s, so I didn't want to be specific with the crit, but since your actions belie that number, I'll go on. Okay? (as though you could answer!)

Just Looking

In quiet reverie while on the beach
I watched the vestiges of day subside
through gentle swells infused with mauve and peach.
[ I think that something like ...

through gentle swells with muted mauve and peach.

might do your original picture a little more justice, if I had read it correctly ? ]
It seemed that evening’s last sunbeams had cried [ or...

It seemed the evening sun's last beams had cried ? ]

before that sequined shroud’s perceived embrace
obscured those gifts by dissipating hues. [ These 2 lines are much, much better, methinks !! ]
Dark waves, now robbed of any twilight’s trace,
[ 'now robbed... reflected' and also 'of any twilight's trace' both seem awkward to my ear ? ]
reflected stars in iridescent blues
until they bowed in obeisant death [ Methinks you're mispronouncing 'obeisant'; it = 'oh-bee-sant'... so perhaps:

until they bowed obeisant in their death ? ]
upon the sand. Alone, I contemplate
the wonders to be seen as ocean’s breath
guides mirrored queues to quotidian fate. [ This is the most severe bump... plus I had to look up the word before I saw your footnote beneath your original! ... so if you continue to use it, perhaps:

guides mirrored queues quotidian in fate. ? ]

No answers or epiphanies are mete
as tide leaves bits of stardust near my feet.

I love your ending!

deLighting to share with this mob, Daniel

-----------------
Just Looking

In quiet reverie while on the beach
I watched the vestiges of day subside
through gentle swells; painting them mauve and peach.
It seemed that evening’s last sunbeams had cried

before that sequined shroud’s coming embrace
obscured those gifts by dissipating hues.
Dark waves, now robbed of any twilight’s trace,
reflected stars in iridescent blues

until they bowed in obeisant death
upon the sand. Alone, I contemplate
the wonders to be seen as ocean’s breath
guides mirrored queues to quotidian fate.

No answers or epiphanies were mete
as tide left bits of stardust near my feet.

Note: quotidian, for those needing to look it up, means a common day to day occurrence.