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> Just Looking** with 2nd tweak, Sonnet
Larry
post Apr 9 13, 08:42
Post #1


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Posts: 11,722
Joined: 15-June 07
From: Springfield, Louisiana
Member No.: 446
Real Name: Larry D. Jennings
Writer of: Poetry & Prose
Referred By:Just wondered in.



Just Looking

In quiet reverie while on the beach
I watched the vestiges of day subside
through gentle swells infused with mauve and peach
as though Monet’s pastels had been applied

before that sequined shroud’s perceived embrace
obscured those gifts by dissipating hues.
Dark waves, erased of any twilight trace,
reflected stars in iridescent blues

until they bowed obeisantly in death
upon the sand. Alone, I contemplate
the wonders to be seen as ocean’s breath
guides mirrored queues to quotidian fate.

No answers or epiphanies are mete
as tide leaves bits of stardust near my feet.



S1/L4 did read:
It seemed that evening’s last sunbeams had cried

S2/L3 did read:
Dark waves, now robbed of any twilight’s trace,

S3/L1 did read:
until they bowed in obeisant death



-----------------



Just Looking

In quiet reverie while on the beach
I watched the vestiges of day subside
through gentle swells; painting them mauve and peach.
It seemed that evening’s last sunbeams had cried

before that sequined shroud’s coming embrace
obscured those gifts by dissipating hues.
Dark waves, now robbed of any twilight’s trace,
reflected stars in iridescent blues

until they bowed in obeisant death
upon the sand. Alone, I contemplate
the wonders to be seen as ocean’s breath
guides mirrored queues to quotidian fate.

No answers or epiphanies were mete
as tide left bits of stardust near my feet.







Note: quotidian, for those needing to look it up, means a common day to day occurrence.


·······IPB·······

When power leads man toward arrogance, poetry reminds him of his limitations. When power narrows the areas of man's concern, poetry reminds him of the richness and diversity of his existence. When power corrupts, poetry cleanses.
John Fitzgerald Kennedy



Kindness is a seed sown by the gentlest hand, growing care's flowers.
Larry D. Jennings

MM Award Winner
 
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Larry
post Apr 12 13, 08:31
Post #2


Creative Chieftain
******

Group: Gold Member
Posts: 11,722
Joined: 15-June 07
From: Springfield, Louisiana
Member No.: 446
Real Name: Larry D. Jennings
Writer of: Poetry & Prose
Referred By:Just wondered in.



Wow!!! Instead of two or three days, all this in less than 12 hours? Thank you all for your visits and your input.

Hi Marcia,
Thanks for the read and the nice words.

Hi Merlin, thanks for catching the misplaced “s-c”. I’ll change that. I have been working on this piece a bit while off-line and made a few changes. As far as the “early” volta, I’ve read and researched a lot of sonnet forms or their variants and with each, I get the impression that the “turn” has no real chiseled-in-stone rule except for the original Italian form and even the rule of thumb for the volta in that form is “usually around L9 between the octave and the sestet”. In the Shakespearian Sonnet, the volta can fall anywhere between L9 and L13. The Bowlesian sonnets also share this volta placement. I think Shelly in his poem “Ozymandias” placed his volta at L9 but it has been argued that this is also where he switches from past to present tense. I’m not a total purist of form poetry because there are probably 40-50 different sonnet types with different rhyme schemes, volta positioning, couplet requirements, etc. and I would drive myself crazy trying to conform to loosely worded stipulations. Anyway, thanks for the visit and I hope you enjoy the edits.

Hello Lori,
If you’ll notice, S2L2 already uses “hue” in the rhyme scheme. Can’t use it before the rhyme or twice in the same sonnet. ‘T wouldn’t do!


Hi Snow,
Glad you dropped in and “painted” is gone in the edit. I’m happy that you enjoyed the imagery.

Okay Daniel,

I’m eagerly awaiting your crits and observations on the bumps but am happy you have the same feelings about the volta. I’ve tried, in the above paragraph to Merlin, to explain my placement of the volta in this poem (mine aren’t always in the same place) and a few points of reasoning.

To all, pardon the classroom instructions. Hope you all like the changes!

Larry


·······IPB·······

When power leads man toward arrogance, poetry reminds him of his limitations. When power narrows the areas of man's concern, poetry reminds him of the richness and diversity of his existence. When power corrupts, poetry cleanses.
John Fitzgerald Kennedy



Kindness is a seed sown by the gentlest hand, growing care's flowers.
Larry D. Jennings

MM Award Winner
 
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