Just Looking** with 2nd tweak, Sonnet Options

[Larry]

Just Looking

In quiet reverie while on the beach
I watched the vestiges of day subside
through gentle swells infused with mauve and peach
as though Monet’s pastels had been applied

before that sequined shroud’s perceived embrace
obscured those gifts by dissipating hues.
Dark waves, erased of any twilight trace,
reflected stars in iridescent blues

until they bowed obeisantly in death
upon the sand. Alone, I contemplate
the wonders to be seen as ocean’s breath
guides mirrored queues to quotidian fate.

No answers or epiphanies are mete
as tide leaves bits of stardust near my feet.


S1/L4 did read:
It seemed that evening’s last sunbeams had cried

S2/L3 did read:
Dark waves, now robbed of any twilight’s trace,

S3/L1 did read:
until they bowed in obeisant death



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Just Looking

In quiet reverie while on the beach
I watched the vestiges of day subside
through gentle swells; painting them mauve and peach.
It seemed that evening’s last sunbeams had cried

before that sequined shroud’s coming embrace
obscured those gifts by dissipating hues.
Dark waves, now robbed of any twilight’s trace,
reflected stars in iridescent blues

until they bowed in obeisant death
upon the sand. Alone, I contemplate
the wonders to be seen as ocean’s breath
guides mirrored queues to quotidian fate.

No answers or epiphanies were mete
as tide left bits of stardust near my feet.






Note: quotidian, for those needing to look it up, means a common day to day occurrence.

[Merlin]

Hello Larry,

As you know, I don't do much here anymore, and pending housecleaning, time will tell...

To your sonnet, it's filled with wondrous images and well crafted. I have 2 little things, to go with your 2 stars >>

1st, L3 kneads some touch-up, methinks. I'm not bothered by the bump, but can think of a few improvements. My choice would be to remove the semi-c, since the following phrase isn't stand-alone anyway, and continue from "swells" by describing the mauve & peach. I have a perfect word in mind, starts with "M" and means "dim". Of course, that will add one more "in..." if you can live with that.

2nd - your volta is 2 lines too soon.

Fussy Felix,

Merlin