Laugh Lines (Revised, with thanks), Sonnet Options

[MFK Buckley]

Thank you for the crits, I've adjusted happily accordingly. However consider a man who, if chastened, hastens to recall... F


Laugh Lines

If years from now you hasten to recall
my witticisms in another light,
inflections, buoyant once, are apt to fall,
deflecting into peevishness despite
how we are now. (Though I’ve said this before
in other arms, interpretations blurred.)
When we no longer linger I’ll ignore
you passing; it’s both best and most preferred.
But always you will be to me, as now,
endearingly disarmed, without a name.
Should memories of this conspire somehow
to recollect me harshly, you’re to blame:
the heft and cleave of me without the laughter
was all it meant, and all that you were after.

MFK Buckley



Laugh Lines

If years from now you hasten to recall
my witticisms in another light
inflections, buoyant once, are apt to fall
deflecting into peevishness despite
how we are now. (But I’ve said this before
in other arms, interpretations blurred.)
When you no longer linger I’ll ignore
your leaving; given that, don’t be disturbed.
You’ll always be to me as you are now –
endearingly disarmed, without a name.
Should memories of this conspire somehow
to recollect me harshly, you’re to blame:
the heft and cleave of me without the laughter
was all it meant, and all that you were after.

MFK Buckley

[Larry]

Hi Fran,

Nice Spencerian Stanza as usual (and expected). You didn't note any asterisks so I'm not sure if you wanted crits. Enjoyed the double entendre'd title which I'm sure was intended.

I do have a few suggestions which you may TOT.

L1: "hasten to recall" gives the implication of someone wanting to get past a certain mental point whereas if you were to use "labor" instead, it might denote the difficulty in remembering instead of the hurriedness to do so.

L2: semicolon after "light" - it now reads as though "light" is a descriptive adjective for "inflections" instead of inflections being a descriptor of witticisms.

L6 & L8 rhyme endings: I agree with Jerry in that they are near-rhymes and detract from the otherwise perfect rhyme patterns in the rest of your stanza. Perhaps you might consider changing "disturbed" to "deterred". It is a much better rhyme and would reiterate "no longer linger" and "leaving".

Like I say, take or toss. Much enjoyed.

Larry