Karma, Sept Challenge - SQ/Sonnet Options

[Larry]

1st Revision (hope it's the last too!)

Karma

Upon the scroll of time a legend lies,
inscribed as if by Winter’s silver rime,
which maps the past or tells of our demise.
A legend lies upon the scroll of time
in shadowed script. A swirl of pinnate lines
portray a path from womb to marble crypt:
Arcane calligraphy of Fate’s designs?
A swirl of pinnate lines in shadowed script
like veins within a leaf, our lives construed.
Portents of birth and death, or joy and grief
revealed; like dregs in cups a Seer brewed.
Our lives, construed like veins within a leaf;
or so it seemed. Of Karma I once dreamed…
Of Karma I once dreamed or so it seemed.


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Karma

Upon the scroll of time a legend lays,
inscribed as if by Winter’s silver rime,
which maps the past and tells of future days.
A legend lays upon the scroll of time
in shadowed script. A swirl of pinnate lines
forming a path from womb to marble crypt:
Arcane calligraphy of Fate’s designs?
A swirl of pinnate lines in shadowed script
like veins within a leaf, our lives construed.
Portents of birth and death, or joy and grief
revealed; like dregs in cups a Seer brewed.
Our lives, construed like veins within a leaf;
or so it seemed. Karma’s what I once dreamed…
Karma’s what I once dreamed or so it seemed.


Words used: scroll, shadow(ed), marble, brew(ed), leaf

[jgdittier]

Dear Larry,
My recent comments to Leo confirm my appreciation for CONTRIVED poetry. Contrived may be harsh, as I refer to verse that must be composed, that is, fit a form or in this case forms.
You've spun a work of considerable interest while using required words, the sonnet form and the swap quatrain form.
Even a poor effort would be newsworthy.
I've never likes suggesting actual modifications, other than typos. However, this one deserves to force me to break my own rules.
I wonder about "lays" in line one I like better "lies" and think you might then end line three with " and sees through future's eyes".
Line six: "that pick the path" (I love alliteration)
Line thirteen: "of KARma ONCE i DREAMED
14: Karma's what I dreamed, or so it seemed.
I think your line 12 is masterful, "construed like veins within a leaf". That ties it all up so nicely!
Congratulations

Cheers, jgdittier