Aging in Thought- revised 30 Oct 2010 Options

[anaisa]

revision-

When cataracts form clouds across my eyes
like fog that settles on the coastal skies;
where creaky knees require a wooden cane
to navigate my walk across the lane,

please help me not relinquish vanity
to illnesses or pain. Just swaddle me
in classic silk pajamas, sleek and black,
with little velvet shoes—no flannel sack

to drape around my bones, or pink housecoat
with fuzzy slippers skimming like a boat
across the kitchen floor. A single chain
of gold, Ann Taylor slacks. Let me abstain

from wearing Mumus, curlers in the hair,
of anything that may alarm or scare
the neighbors. Pictures not lamentable,
just well preserved and deemed presentable.




first one

When cataracts form clouds across my eyes
like fog that settles on the coastal skies;
and feeble knees require a wooden cane
to navigate my walk across the lane,

help me to not relinquish vanity
to illnesses or pain. Just swaddle me
in classic silk pajamas, sleek and black,
with little velvet shoes—no flannel sack

to drape around my bones, nor pink housecoat
with fuzzy slippers skimming like a boat
across the kitchen floor. A single chain
of gold, Ann Taylor slacks. Let me abstain

from wearing sweat shirts, curlers in my hair,
of anything that may alarm or scare
the neighbors. Pictures not lamentable,
just well preserved and deemed presentable.

[Cleo_Serapis]

Hi karen,

I wanted to wish you well with this "slice of life" poem at the IBPC.

I suggest changing S1L3 to:
where creaky knees require a wooden cane
to navigate my walk across the lane,


with little velvet shoes—no flannel sack
to drape around my bones, or pink housecoat (I think you might need to change 'or' to 'nor' since your prelude is 'no flannel sack'? Another option is to endstop after 'bones' and start a new sentence so not such a run on simply with 'No pink housecoat...')
with fuzzy slippers skimming like a boat
across the kitchen floor.

Enjoyed the read!
~Cleo