Hi Liz - it's good to see you back!
I remember this one - I love it! On reading again, I had a lump in my throat at the end, remembering all the small things that make us 'rich'.
There is nothing I would say definitely needs changing here, but I'll go through each stanza and give my thoughts for you to think on.Moments
Love the title!I head home
after another chaotic
night of luna-driven
911 calls.
The car sputters -- stalls
on 441 at Winston Blvd,
a few feet
before my door...
Last line - perhaps
away from my door
'a few feet' is no distance at all - perhaps
a few yards/ twenty yardsI check the mail, tally bills
and still I'm thirty cents short.
A long-winded sigh ... reminds me
of Joe Swanson, who lived
next door, before he lost his child,
his job ... his home.
I whisper, "Thank you."
Laundry piles block
our kitchen entry; dirty dishes cover
an unkempt counter ...
and the dog couldn't hold it
through the night.
He snuggles
his snout against my chest
demonstrating how unconditional love
ought to be.
This stanza possibly needs some trimming, especially the ending. Some suggestions follow:
Laundry blocks our kitchen entry;
dirty dishes cover an unkempt counter ...
and the dog couldn't hold it
through the night.
He snuggles
snout against my chest
demonstrating unconditional love. The day is done.
I sneak a peek at Lauren,
watch her sleep-
her tiny fingers clenched
about Pooh's ear,
hoping adventures dance in her dreams.
Her gentle breath
rustles loose sheets,
tickles her nose stirring smiles.
L6 - I wonder if
hoping her dreams dance
might convey the same meaning
I think a comma after 'nose' in last lineShe's a cherub child...
I sit and listen to the silence,
then whisper...
"Thank you Lord, you've blessed my ordinary life
with such extraordinary moments."
I wonder if this spoken part might look ok in italics instead of speech marks (and the spoken line earlier)
This ending is beautiful, it is so refective - that we all have such extraordinary moments in life.
Any thought offered are just points to think on - not necessarily needed
I really love this one, Liz!
Hugs
Snow