On The Wire, Old Poem Needing Fleshing Out Options

[AMETHYST]

This was written in response to Guardian Poetry Workshop -Aiden On the wire is a tribute to the telephone wires that go from pole to pole -


********Third Revision ******** Thank you Snow *********

On the Wire

A threadbare crack
against an ashen sky,
easily dismissed
until swayed by God's breath.

It endures

Families unite.

closing miles
into a hair's-breadth -

connecting conversations,
that create friends from strangers.

It's privy
to our private whispers,
entrusted
with dirty confessions;
dark and sate
with passion -

sacred truths, unholy lies.

our chatter breeds
loneliness, funneling energy
of an over extended perseity-

a conducer of our lives --
we hunger
for consolation;
it brings solace with a single ring.

Yet, it's the birds, perched
along thin fibers, that contemplate
the telephone wire.

Sparrows rest, blue jays sing,
and an ebon crow calls, Tek Tek
inviting human-kind, to pay homage
to its silent prominence.







******** Second Revision *****Thank You Snow******************

On the Wire

A threadbare crack
against an ashen sky,
is easily dismissed
until God's breath sways it.

It endures

families united,
closing miles into a hair's-breadth -
connecting conversations,
that create friends from strangers.

It's privy to private whispers,
entrusted with dirty confessions;
dark and sate with passion -
sacred truths, unholy lies.

Listening to chatter
breeds loneliness,
funneling energy
of an over extended perseity-

a conducer of their lives --
they hunger
for consolation; it brings solace
with a single ring.

Yet, it's the birds, perched
along thin fibers, that contemplate
the telephone wire.

Sparrows rest, blue jays sing,
and an ebon crow calls, Tek Tek
inviting human-kind, to pay homage
to its silent prominence.





********FIRST REVISION*****************only Temp. revisions open to all thoughts****


On the Wire

it appears a threadbare crack
against an ashen sky,
it's existence is easily dismissed
until God's breath sways it.

It endures

Uniting family, closing miles
into a hair's-breadth -
connecting conversations,
that create friends from strangers.

It's privy to private conversations,
entrusted with dirty confessions; dark
and sate with passion -
sacred truths and unholy lies.

Listening to chatter breeds loneliness,
lost in all their apathy--
they hunger for consolation;
it bring solace with a single ring.

a conduit of universal need,
funneling energy of an over extended perseity-
a conducer of their lives --

and yet, it is the birds, perched
along thin fibers that contemplate
the telephone wire.
As sparrows rest and blue jays sing,

"Tek, Tek" an ebon crow calls,
inviting human-kind
to pay homage to its silent prominence.






On the Wire

I appear a threadbare crack
against an ashen sky,
unnoticed,
if not for the winds
that sway me.

Society confabulates
a chaotic void
through my cylindrical sphere;
easily dismissing
my existence,
until God's breath
breaks me.

Steadfast, I endure,
second by second, uniting
family to distant family,
closing the miles
into a hair's-breadth,
connecting conversations,
creating friends from strangers.

I'm privy to their private notions,
entrusted to carry off
dirty confessions;
dark and sate of passion, sacred
truths and unholy lies.

It is lonely listening to chatter,
in all their apathy--they hunger
for consolation; I bring solace
in a single ring.

I am a conduit of universal need,
funneling energy of an over extended perseity-
a conducer of their lives --

and yet, it is the birds, perched
along my fibers that contemplate me.
As sparrows rest and blue jays sing,

"Tek, Tek" an ebon crow calls,
inviting human-kind
to pay homage to my silent prominence.

[Eisa]

Hi Liz

I remember this one and feeling very impressed by it. I think the revision has simplified it, but possibly needs a bit more trimming. Here are some thoughts to take or toss ( I might even see this differently tomorrow)


On the Wire

[it appears] a threadbare crack
against an ashen sky,
[it's existence] is easily dismissed
until God's breath sways it.

A threadbare crack
against an ashen sky,
is easily dismissed
until God's breath sways it.

I have trimmed this quite severely & am not sure whether this will suit


It endures

I like the way this line stands alone

Uniting family, closing miles
into a hair's-breadth -
connecting conversations,
that create friends from strangers.


Closing miles into a hair's-breadth
families are united in conversations,
friends are created from strangers.

It's privy to private conversations,
entrusted with dirty confessions; dark
and sate with passion -
sacred truths and unholy lies.

It's privy to private whispers,
entrusted with dirty confessions;
dark and sate with passion -
sacred truths, unholy lies.

Perhaps because 'converastions' has been mentioned in the previous st. another word could be used eg. whispers/chat/talks

Listening to chatter breeds loneliness,
lost in all their apathy--
they hunger for consolation;
it bring solace with a single ring.

a conduit of universal need,
funneling energy of an over extended perseity-
a conducer of their lives --


I think these 2 stanzas could be combined and trimmed together. I will come back to them another time when I get my head round them

and yet, it is the birds, perched
along thin fibers that contemplate
the telephone wire.
As sparrows rest and blue jays sing,

"Tek, Tek" an ebon crow calls,
inviting human-kind
to pay homage to its silent prominence.

Yet, it is the birds, perched
along thin fibers, that contemplate
the telephone wire.

Sparrows rest, blue jays sing,
and an ebon crow calls, Tek Tek
inviting human-kind, to pay homage
to its silent prominence.

I love the change to the birds at the end, keeping the ending fresh. I feel a little rearranging of lines might help here. I have offerered a suggestion.
I think the crow's call would be better in italics.

Well done, Liz! I feel you are getting back into the swing now. I'll look forward to any changes you make.

Big Hugs
Snow