Summer in Cincinnati [revised 11 Sep 2010], metered verse Options

[heartsong7]

2nd revision:

The soaring temperatures preceding solstice
evaporated spring again this year,
with heavy handed heat that saps your soul
and leaves it draped across the sweat-soaked sheets.

While thick, dank darkness drains into your dreams,
it stifles all desire and hampers sleep.
When morning finally comes, a languid mist,
negates all hope the spell’s inclined to lift.

When steamy midday shuttles in its sour
white-hazed air, it steals your breath and leaves
you feeling limp and listless. By twilight
you’re longing for a cooling breeze to brush
across your naked body like a leaf.



revision:
Summertime in Cincinnati...

Where temperatures preempt the summer solstice,
evaporating spring again this year,
with heavy handed heat that saps your soul
and leaves it draped across the sweat-soaked sheets.

While thick, dank darkness drains into your dreams,
it stifles all desire and hampers sleep.
Then morning, dripping in a moldy mist,
negates all hope the spell’s inclined to lift.

When steamy midday shuttles in its sour
white-hazed air it steals your breath and leaves
you lazy, limp and listless. By twilight
you’re longing for one brief cool breeze to brush
across your naked body like a leaf.





Original:
A Summer in Cincinnati Is...

Where, earlier than the solstice every year,
the summer is announcing its arrival;

where heavy handed heat will sap your soul
and leave it draped across the sweat-soaked sheets;

where thick, dank darkness drains into your dreams
to stifle all desire and hamper sleep.

where morning, dripping in a moldy mist,
negates all hope the spell’s inclined to lift;

where steamy midday shuttles in its sour
white-hazed air to steal your breath and leave
you lazy, limp and listless. By twilight
you’re longing for one brief cool breeze to brush
across your naked body like a leaf;

where sometimes sudden storms bring sweet relief.

[Cleo_Serapis]

Hi Sue,

I can certainly relate to the steaminess of summer heat!! I'm actually glad summer's almost over!

My only stumble in your revision is here:
white-hazed air it steals your breath and leaves - I count a missing beat here and a stumble with 'white-hazed air'. Perhaps a sub for this will smooth the flow? I'm thiking haze and air are redundant in this context, so perhaps just 'white-haze, it steals.. will allow you to add another 2 beats here.

Enjoyed the read!
~Cleo