August 2010 Options

[Guest_bombadil1247_*]

August 2010

The chestnuts dropped early this year
scattered like tiny mines beneath the trees
catching kids walking barefoot unawares.
Retribution was swift; hundreds of shells
were smashed open and the treasures inside
threaded on string - war trophies for display
and final destruction in an orgy of ‘Conkers’.

Summer passed, unnoticed, with no obituary;
the art of reading nature long forgotten
in this pushbutton age that programs time
to suit the schedules of industry and Sky TV.
Automatons and zombies vie for recognition
as archetype of this Brave New World
where technology rules and men obey.

‘Computer Error’ hides a multitude of sins
though computers are only as fallible
as their data clerks – are the seasons out of sync
because of human error? Some would say so
and I won’t argue overmuch; a sin of omission
is still a sin no matter what excuse is offered
nor what tribunals may say in expiation.

Mary died last week and I didn’t know
until her hearse paused outside my door
allowing a silent, last farewell – I had no tears,
just shock and deep regret for all the wasted years
since last we talked of silly things like bus schedules
and dogs’ mess in her garden. Her garden where
white carnations thrived on the love she shared so freely.

They went with her to the crematorium and mourned
when I could not. I lost that right through indifference.

[AMETHYST]

Wow Jim,

Another one I would put up on the list of near masterpiece. Like Snow, I hadn't expected the turnabout, and yet - it is that sudden, unexpected hit, especially the ending couplet that allows this poem to stand off to the side as "mastery' poetry.

Some things that jump out that are pleasing to me at first is the lovely sound techniques used through out. Also loved the build up, and how the narrator foretells of technological takeover - Some thoughts to follow in stanza, but there was little for me to nit pick at. As Snow mentions, this one is for sure and several read to get deeper and deeper into the truth of the poem. Remarkable writing, Jim ... Remarkable.

Best Wishes as always, Liz

August 2010

A good choice of title. Simple enough, and yet adds so much to the understanding of the poem.

The chestnuts dropped early this year
scattered like tiny mines beneath the trees
catching kids walking barefoot unawares.
Retribution was swift; hundreds of shells
were smashed open and the treasures inside
threaded on string - war trophies for display
and final destruction in an orgy of ‘Conkers’.

The first few lines here are lovely and in L2, the image of '...tiny mines...' is a wonderfully fresh compareson. Some personal thoughts though ... only for consideration (I don't want to make suggestions that will break up your form, even though you are offering it as free verse) ...

In L2, I would suggest omitting 'beneath the trees (unnecessary)
In L3, I kept wanting to say 'kids walking barefoot, caught unaware- (I think it is just personal preference though)
L4, perhaps omitting 'was' after retribution

Summer passed, unnoticed, with no obituary;
the art of reading nature long forgotten
in this pushbutton age that programs time
to suit the schedules of industry and Sky TV.
Automatons and zombies vie for recognition
as archetype of this Brave New World
where technology rules and men obey.

To highlight some of the more precise details and images that you have painted for us, I would like to offer up a brief example of some thoughts that came to mind. Of course, it is not suggesting to make the change, just to give an idea of where I am going with it. Just some weeding out suggestions.

Summer passed, unnoticed
no obituary; the art of reading nature
long forgotten -
in this pushbutton age that programs time
to suit schedules of industry
and sky tv.
(StANZA BREAK)
Automations and zombies vie for recognition
as archetype of this Brave New World
where technology rules and men obey.

‘Computer Error’ hides a multitude of sins
though computers are only as fallible
as their data clerks – are the seasons out of sync
because of human error? Some would say so
and I won’t argue overmuch; a sin of omission
is still a sin no matter what excuse is offered
nor what tribunals may say in expiation.

L1, perhaps "masks' instead of hides -
L2, perhaps omitting 'only'

I have to admit. This stanza, though for another poem doesn't offer much between the foundation of the beginning and that killer ending - It appeared to veer off topic a little, into what comes a cross as an agenda, but doesn't really connect with this reader - Personally it could omit it and allow the strengths of S1,2 and the final stanza to ease into each other with the power as they do.

Mary died last week and I didn’t know
until her hearse paused outside my door
allowing a silent, last farewell – I had no tears,
just shock and deep regret for all the wasted years
since last we talked of silly things like bus schedules
and dogs’ mess in her garden. Her garden where
white carnations thrived on the love she shared so freely.

They went with her to the crematorium and mourned
when I could not. I lost that right through indifference.

I love the presence here. The finality, the motion - The harsh realism of something that would normally go unnoticed like summer's passed - The only suggestion I would have here is for L3, perhaps -

her silent, last farewell - I had no tears,

Please use what is helpful, and discard what isn't. I know my suggestions are a bit much, but as always, they are just personal thoughts for consideration. This poem is a gem and deserves it's place in the world of poetry.

Blessings, Liz