Skin on Skin Options

[Eisa]

Here's another oldie (very old) -- just wondering if there were any improvements I can make before it hits the finished drawer.


Skin on Skin

They drink with gusto; thirst assuaged
yet unrequited hungers rage.
Their dance commences; undulations
shed her filmy negligee
to drape the floor. A lithe display
of belly-dancing; titillations.

Flickering tongues on freckled skin
inhale the musky scents within;
He sidles closer, starts to nuzzle
-- lost in lust they intertwine
instinctively, physiques combine
dove tailing in a sultry puzzle.

As fervour bubbles to a boil
and overflows; fulfilled they coil
behind their safety glass. I glance,
at you; we share a drink, before
my silk chemise slips on the floor --
a prelude to our mating dance.

-----------------------------------------------

Recent tweaks (thanks Liz)
St1 L3 was 'The dance commences'
Last St L1 was 'Fervour bubbles to a boil'

St2 L3 - have changed slithers to sidles

[Guest_bombadil1247_*]

Hi, Snow,

more stripping and this time mixed with a bit of voyerism, should we be worried? I've arrived late so not much to add to the crits you've already had on this. Only tiny suggestion would be to use 'speckled' rather than 'freckled' in S2,l1 for the sibilance though that removes the ambiguity earlier than l3's 'slithers' - an alternative might be to use 'sidles' there to keep the ambiguity going. Did enjoy this, and the comments are yours to use or lose of course,
Jim

[Eisa]

Hi, Snow,

more stripping and this time mixed with a bit of voyerism, should we be worried? I've arrived late so not much to add to the crits you've already had on this. Only tiny suggestion would be to use 'speckled' rather than 'freckled' in S2,l1 for the sibilance though that removes the ambiguity earlier than l3's 'slithers' - an alternative might be to use 'sidles' there to keep the ambiguity going. Did enjoy this, and the comments are yours to use or lose of course,
Jim

Hi Jim

Well perhaps you should be worried - I've also written about an old flame in Seren's. I don't know what's come over me! LOL!

I love the change from 'slithers' to 'sidles' - which keeps the reader guessing a bit longer.

I'm not sure about 'speckeld skin' as I chose 'freckled as it resembled human skin. I'll think on that one.

Thanks for your help Jim - always welcome.

Snow