Not Alone *** Revised, Villanelle Options

[Michelle]

Not Alone - Revised

My time is not my own
when siblings seek a hand.
I値l never be alone.

Our children always moan
for needs and wants expand;
my time is not my own.

My husband takes his throne,
his wish is my command:
I値l never be alone.

I use a soothing tone;
as Mother痴 wits disband.
My time is not my own

when friends decide to phone.
A party urged and planned:
I値l never be alone.


God痴 plan, once dim, now shown;
He gives where life demands.
My time is not my own--
I値l never be alone.




Not Alone

My time is not my own
when siblings seek a hand;
I値l never be alone.

The children always moan.
Their needs and wants expand.
My time is not my own.

My husband wears cologne;
we dance beside the band.
I値l never be alone.

I use a soothing tone
as Mother痴 wits disband.
My time is not my own.

When friends decide to phone
our barbeque is planned;
I値l never be alone.

His voice, once dim, has grown;
God speaks as life demands.
My time is not my own--
I値l never be alone.

[Guest_bombadil1247_*]

Hi, Michelle,

the villanelle is a particularly limiting form and here you go limiting yourself further by trimming to trimeters. I would suggest that you at least think about giving yourself back those other two feet, it would allow more freedom to develop images. Still, let's take a look.

My time is not my own
when siblings seek a hand;
I値l never be alone.

The children always moan.
Their needs and wants expand.
My time is not my own.

My husband wears cologne;
we dance beside the band.
I値l never be alone.

I want to point out all the end stopped lines here - these break the flow for the reader and highlight the strictures of the form imo. You have used enjambement effectively in S1 and I would suggest extensive use of that tool in this form. In s2, for example, substituting 'that' for 'their' would link ll.1/2 and make for a smoother read. S3 has two disjointed images, which may be to highlight the constant calls but that would be better linked to the 'my time is not my own' refrain I think. I do think you could strengthen it further by a little rewording eg, 'my husband wants cologne/ or needs his cumberband/my time is not my own' (if you swap the first 2 lines in each pf these stanzas). Another thought re the children..nearly grown/yet needs and wants expand/

I use a soothing tone
as Mother痴 wits disband.
My time is not my own.

When friends decide to phone
our barbeque is planned;
I値l never be alone.

I like S4, just the right amount of 'resentment' (probably too strong a word) but s5 needs a little work perhaps 'and friends decide to phone/ when barbeque's been planned -/

His voice, once dim, has grown;
God speaks as life demands.
My time is not my own--
I値l never be alone.

I like the idea of this stanza - as above so below so to speak - but wonder about 'voice' as the medium, if you'll pardon the pun. Perhaps consider something like 'His plan, once dim, now shown/God gives as life demands/' to strengthen the parental comparison? That God's time is not His own?

Just my thoughts and opinions of course, use or lose as you choose,
Jim