Last Lyrics - revised from "Last Words", Italian Sonnet Variant Options

[Larry]

I would like to preface this submission with a note that this poem is being submitted to the John Lennon Poetry Competition in Liverpool for the celebration of 70 years from his birth and 30 years from his untimely death. If you care to participate by submitting a poem of your own, the particulars may be found at this link: John Lennon Competition

Revised 9/14/10

Last Lyrics

What could I sing to you today? Explain
how meaning’s shadow slips behind each word
eluding minds; but then impales the heart?
A simple message from some soft refrain
breathes life into a thought that’s never heard…
as understanding fades. Let me impart

that life subsides to never could have been
with careless steps into the wrong unknown.
Regret the brevity in life and love
but live each day until it turns to when.
As soul and heart are laid bare to the bone,
new songs ascend into the light. What of

my legacy in lilting epigram?
I’m touching you with mem’ries. Yes… I am!






Last Words

What could I sing to you today? Explain
how meaning’s shadow slips behind each word,
or hides from minds and then impales the heart?
A simple message from some soft refrain
breathes life into a thought that’s never heard,
for understanding fades. Let me impart

that life subsides to never could have been
with single steps into the wrong unknown.
Regret the brevity in life and love
but live each day until it turns to when.
As soul and heart are laid bare to the bone,
new songs ascend into the light. What of

my legacy in lilting epigram?
I’m touching you with memories. Yes… I am!

[Guest_bombadil1247_*]

Hi, Larry,

I would like to preface this critique by congratulating you on your bravery in posting that link, now you have to treat every crit as potentially hostile in that it may well be offered by a competitor. Seriously, thank you for that, may well look into it further myself.

Last Words

What could I sing to you today? Explain
how meaning’s shadow slips behind each word,
or hides from minds and then impales the heart?
A simple message from some soft refrain
breathes life into a thought that’s never heard,
for understanding fades. Let me impart

The title references the 'epigram' later, I suppose - while fitting, it doesn't grab me; maybe something like 'Last Lyric' or better 'Lost Lyrics' as a direct reference to Lennon? In line 1, I would prefer to see 'should' - it has more of a 'musing' feel to it and picks up on the 'shadow' in l2. Line 3, you have a confusion between the plural 'minds' and the singular 'heart', I think the singular is more appropriate since his music did address the individual rather than the masses though in a popular way, if you follow me. Would also prefer 'but' to 'and' in that line to emphasise the contrast between 'hides' and 'impales' - it also strengthens 'behind' in Line 2. Line 5/6, would lose the comma and substitute 'as' for 'for' - to me that is more ambiguous since it can mean 'because' and ''while'; what I mean there is that the thought doesn't have time to articulate because it is not fully understood by the 'thinker' and escapes, which is how I read that line.

that life subsides to never could have been
with single steps into the wrong unknown.
Regret the brevity in life and love
but live each day until it turns to when.
As soul and heart are laid bare to the bone,
new songs ascend into the light. What of

In line 7, I would put 'never could have been' in quotes - I just did, didn't I? Line 8's 'single steps' would sound stronger as 'stumbled steps' imo - 'the wrong unknown' is his drug experimentation? Line 10, would quote 'when' to reflect 'never could have been' - not quite sure what you mean by 'when' there, past tense 'when' or future 'when'? Perhaps both, which is really quite clever. Love lines 11/12.

my legacy in lilting epigram?
I’m touching you with memories. Yes… I am!

The couplet worries me a little, to me this sonnet is weakest where it should be strongest. The last line is too long for the metre - if you count in the pause this becomes an alexandrine, was that your intention? But it is the vocabularly choices that really concern me. 'Epigram' is a short witty saying expressing a single thought; while I can see the attraction, I can't understand why you didn't use the more common 'epitaph' and line 12 seems to have 2 images. I like the first of these very much but worry about the connotations of the second the 'I am' - is this an echo of the 'bigger than Jesus' quote, that he is the biblical I am? I doubt that, more likely a reference to 'the walrus' but wanted to point out that pitfall. I would offer a comma after legacy, substitute 'my lilting epitaph,' to end line 13 and substitute 'that laugh' for 'yes... I am'. This would correct the length issue and leave the reader with an image of Lennon, 'laugh', that most would recognise.

Just my thoughts and opinions, of course, yours to use or lose as usual,
Jim