Succubus, English Sonnet Options

[Guest_bombadil1247_*]

Succubus

Beware these eyes: grey-steel and poet-wise,
they see beneath your soul and find the faults,
the frailties which define. These eyes chastise
the secret “you”, however many vaults
you built inside: no harbour here to hide
from retribution. Other lashes pale
beside the ones I wield; old sins of pride
laid bare with every blink – assassin veils.
The centres drown: dark pits to pull you down
to Hell’s damnation. Light has lost this fight.
An inner Dark reclaims the victor’s crown
surrendered once but won back here tonight.
Such bloodless battles serve to prove my claim
that Hell and Earth are only one domain.

[Larry]

Okay Jim (and Alan),

Like I said, it was no big thing on the spelling so don't "Bash the Yank" too much. Perhaps I should clarify my thoughts because my main concern was the "grey-steel" part which places the modifying adjective "steel" after instead of before the color of the eyes "grey". Have I screwed up again with another Americanization of the Queen's English? If so, I shall bow out gracefully and just enjoy the read.

Larry

[Guest_bombadil1247_*]

Hi, Larry,

would never dream of 'Bashing the Yank' just asking for a little slack to be cut . On the reversion of 'grey-steel', I did want to suggest that piercing quality you describe so well - hence they 'see beneath your soul' - but also to paint a hardness/lifeless element to this creature, to bring out its 'inhuman' nature. Hope that makes sense, and no, it's not a culture difference just me trying to be a bit too clever maybe - has been known to happen in the past.
Jim