Succubus, English Sonnet Options

[Guest_bombadil1247_*]

Succubus

Beware these eyes: grey-steel and poet-wise,
they see beneath your soul and find the faults,
the frailties which define. These eyes chastise
the secret “you”, however many vaults
you built inside: no harbour here to hide
from retribution. Other lashes pale
beside the ones I wield; old sins of pride
laid bare with every blink – assassin veils.
The centres drown: dark pits to pull you down
to Hell’s damnation. Light has lost this fight.
An inner Dark reclaims the victor’s crown
surrendered once but won back here tonight.
Such bloodless battles serve to prove my claim
that Hell and Earth are only one domain.

[Larry]

Hi Jim,

Been away for a while and it looks like I missed quite a bit of good poetry and repartee. Loved your sonnet and though you have had a lot of crits and suggestions, I feel good about your holding your ground. I'm sure there might be some astute observations made about the allusive meanings woven into your poem and how you might improve them but I fail to see how one could improve Succubus. The inner rhymes are not intrusive and the alliteration used is a thing of beauty. Thank you for sharing with us.

After all the praise, there has to be a "but" to follow. Mine is "grey-steel". Hope you are not using "grey" as a color; that would be gray. Perhaps this usage refers more to the "Scots Greys Regiment" being a strong force. Perhaps not! Donno! On this side of the pond, one would say "steel gray" when talking about a certain color of eyes which seem to pierce the soul. I know it's not a big thing but it did throw me off for a bit on first read.

Again, thanks for sharing.

Larry

[Guest_bombadil1247_*]

Hi,Larry,

thank you for taking the time to stop by, always appreciated. On 'grey', yes that is the colour being referenced - it's how we spell it, 'Gray' is the family 2 doors up on the left. I am in good company, I think, when you remember Tolkien's 'Grey Pilgrim' and 'Grey Havens' or was that edited over there?

Seriously speaking, I don't think it's too much to ask American readers/friends to make this small concession, that we Brits can use the spellings we are used to - after all we excuse the variations you use. Not just in spelling but stressing differs, sometimes markedly; you say O-ffence, we say o-FFENCE same with DE-fence (US) and de-FENCE (UK). It's usually quite easy to see what stressing the poet intends and providing it agrees with the needs of the line I have no problems with that. A little toleration never hurts, after all wasn't it Ben Franklin who said 'a man who can think of only one way to spell a word is lacking in imagination' or words to that effect. Come to think of it, that quote is probably what led to the situation now where we have 'two countries separated by a common language'.
Jim