Succubus, English Sonnet Options

[Guest_bombadil1247_*]

Succubus

Beware these eyes: grey-steel and poet-wise,
they see beneath your soul and find the faults,
the frailties which define. These eyes chastise
the secret “you”, however many vaults
you built inside: no harbour here to hide
from retribution. Other lashes pale
beside the ones I wield; old sins of pride
laid bare with every blink – assassin veils.
The centres drown: dark pits to pull you down
to Hell’s damnation. Light has lost this fight.
An inner Dark reclaims the victor’s crown
surrendered once but won back here tonight.
Such bloodless battles serve to prove my claim
that Hell and Earth are only one domain.

[Maggie]

Hello Jim,

I haven't been on MM much of late and have never met you that I can recall. Glad to meet you!!! You are quite a sophistocated and accomplished poet in my humble opinion. You've written a wonderful dark sonnet here about evil, lusty night creatures. I enjoyed it very much!!!

Beware these eyes: grey-steel and poet-wise,(A sentence ends after "wise." Need period.)
they see beneath your soul and find the faults,(Need to capitalize "they")
the frailties which define. These eyes chastise
the secret “you”, however many vaults(semi-colon instead of comma)
you built inside: no harbour here to hide
from retribution. Other lashes pale(How can one "wield' an eye "lash"? Please explain.)
beside the ones I wield; old sins of pride
laid bare with every blink – assassin veils.(Are you calling eye lashes assassins veils?)
The centres drown: dark pits to pull you down ("Centres" of what?)
to Hell’s damnation. Light has lost this fight.
An inner Dark reclaims the victor’s crown
surrendered once but won back here tonight.
Such bloodless battles serve to prove my claim( A fight with a succubus would seem to me to be "bloody" instead of your "bloodless.")


My comments are just suggestions. Use or disregard. Either is up to you.

Peggy
that Hell and Earth are only one domain

[Guest_bombadil1247_*]

Hi, Peggy,

nice to meet you. The period after 'wise', the first sentence doesn't finish till 'define' in line 3 - that phrase is a compound adjective for the eyes used to introduce the subordinate clauses in line 2. The semi in line 4, not sure it needs that strength, particularly since I use the colon separator almost immediately in line 5.

(How can one "wield' an eye "lash"? Please explain.)

The flip answer is 'just like any other weapon' but I was deliberately drawing parallels with whips here, the fluttering equating with the laying on of the lash - it's actually a little conceit I'm quite proud of.

(Are you calling eye lashes assassins veils?)

yes, the pupils hide behind them

("Centres" of what?)

I've already dealt with the spelling issue. I'm referencing the pupils of the eyes here, the line structure mirrors line 1 to help make that connection and I had hoped the 'dark pits' would help with that understanding.

( A fight with a succubus would seem to me to be "bloody" instead of your "bloodless.")

possibly, though not from her POV. This whole piece hangs on the premise that the 'seduction' was easy - this soul was lost in foreplay - and if you missed that, then I've failed badly. Perhaps I will have to look at this one again. Thank you for stopping in and commenting so fully, the gift of your time is much appreciated,
Jim