Succubus, English Sonnet Options

[Guest_bombadil1247_*]

Succubus

Beware these eyes: grey-steel and poet-wise,
they see beneath your soul and find the faults,
the frailties which define. These eyes chastise
the secret “you”, however many vaults
you built inside: no harbour here to hide
from retribution. Other lashes pale
beside the ones I wield; old sins of pride
laid bare with every blink – assassin veils.
The centres drown: dark pits to pull you down
to Hell’s damnation. Light has lost this fight.
An inner Dark reclaims the victor’s crown
surrendered once but won back here tonight.
Such bloodless battles serve to prove my claim
that Hell and Earth are only one domain.

[Michelle]

Hi Jim,

this is a wicked gem. Nicely spun. From my perspective, this could be dubbed 'Incubus'. I have no qualms with anything in you lines. You are very talented. If you decide to ammend the line that Sue has pointed to, I'm offering 'regained'.

Great dark poem.

my best,

Michelle

[Guest_bombadil1247_*]

Hi, Michelle,

thank you for visiting and for that lovely comment, both are appreciated - the gift of another's time is precious to me. As for 'Incubus', I wanted to use the 'lashes' contrast and felt the female of the species was a more apt choice (ducks swiftly to avoid incoming missiles ) On the 'won back' issue, hope my explanation to Sue explains,
Jim