Succubus, English Sonnet Options

[Guest_bombadil1247_*]

Succubus

Beware these eyes: grey-steel and poet-wise,
they see beneath your soul and find the faults,
the frailties which define. These eyes chastise
the secret “you”, however many vaults
you built inside: no harbour here to hide
from retribution. Other lashes pale
beside the ones I wield; old sins of pride
laid bare with every blink – assassin veils.
The centres drown: dark pits to pull you down
to Hell’s damnation. Light has lost this fight.
An inner Dark reclaims the victor’s crown
surrendered once but won back here tonight.
Such bloodless battles serve to prove my claim
that Hell and Earth are only one domain.

[heartsong7]

Hi Jim...
a very thought provoking piece.
I see little here that needs attention in my view.
I did have some small quibbles with the following and offer some
suggestions you might consider if you feel they are helpful.

The centres drown: dark pits to pull you down I would spell 'centers' but perhaps 'centres' is regional spelling?)

to Hell’s damnation. Light has lost this fight. The several long I words (light, fight, tonight) in a short span are a little distracting for me. How about something like: "snuffing out the light"

An inner Dark reclaims the victor’s crown
surrendered once but won back here tonight. "won back" seems a tad weak. maybe surrendered once, recaptured here tonight"

Such bloodless battles serve to prove my claim
that Hell and Earth are only one domain. Love the strong couplet!

just some thoughts,
Sue

[Guest_bombadil1247_*]

Hi, Sue,

nice to see you in here, much appreciated. 'Centres' as a regional variation - suppose you could call it that it's UK English, we've been using it for a while now. The long 'i's', as I said to Alan, this is intended as a performance piece and the assonance of these lines is quite deliberate - the 'once but won back' combination is similar because of the invisible alliteration between 'once' and 'won' and the more obvious 'b' alliteration of 'but' and 'back'. The fact that you found this a 'tad weak' actually fits my intent that the succubus achieves an easy victory. This whole piece is written from her POV and does include an element of boasting. I am aware I'm resisting a lot of the critique offered but hope you and others can understand why,
Jim