Succubus, English Sonnet Options

[Guest_bombadil1247_*]

Succubus

Beware these eyes: grey-steel and poet-wise,
they see beneath your soul and find the faults,
the frailties which define. These eyes chastise
the secret “you”, however many vaults
you built inside: no harbour here to hide
from retribution. Other lashes pale
beside the ones I wield; old sins of pride
laid bare with every blink – assassin veils.
The centres drown: dark pits to pull you down
to Hell’s damnation. Light has lost this fight.
An inner Dark reclaims the victor’s crown
surrendered once but won back here tonight.
Such bloodless battles serve to prove my claim
that Hell and Earth are only one domain.

[Alan]

Dear Jim,

Having just come from your post on Vin Egre, I find myself in familiar territory. Sonnets and sex, a heady combination !

I have only one offering. that 2nd line immediately struck me as a bit tame, and the more often I read the rest, I still feel that.

they see beneath your soul and find the faults

My offering would be :
they suck within your soul and find the faults

or at least :

they seek beneath your soul and find the faults

Love
Alan

[Guest_bombadil1247_*]

Hi, Alan,

I originally had 'search beneath your soul' to qualify the later 'find' but opted for the softer 'see' to emphasise the 'bloodless' nature of the victory - this succubus didn't have to work very hard -and for the assonance with 'beneath'. This should be seen as a soliloquy, a performance piece, so I wanted to use all the tricks of rhetorics I could to strengthen that element. While 'seek' would seem to fit that intent, I don't have any 'k/c' sounds around to pick up on and it does suggest an element of effort I wanted to avoid. I am grateful for the time you took to read and comment, and I do thank you for your suggestions, but feel that I have to stay with 'see' at least in this version - who knows what tomorow will bring?
Jim