Succubus, English Sonnet Options

[Guest_bombadil1247_*]

Succubus

Beware these eyes: grey-steel and poet-wise,
they see beneath your soul and find the faults,
the frailties which define. These eyes chastise
the secret “you”, however many vaults
you built inside: no harbour here to hide
from retribution. Other lashes pale
beside the ones I wield; old sins of pride
laid bare with every blink – assassin veils.
The centres drown: dark pits to pull you down
to Hell’s damnation. Light has lost this fight.
An inner Dark reclaims the victor’s crown
surrendered once but won back here tonight.
Such bloodless battles serve to prove my claim
that Hell and Earth are only one domain.

[Maggie]

Hello Jim,

I haven't been on MM much of late and have never met you that I can recall. Glad to meet you!!! You are quite a sophistocated and accomplished poet in my humble opinion. You've written a wonderful dark sonnet here about evil, lusty night creatures. I enjoyed it very much!!!

Beware these eyes: grey-steel and poet-wise,(A sentence ends after "wise." Need period.)
they see beneath your soul and find the faults,(Need to capitalize "they")
the frailties which define. These eyes chastise
the secret “you”, however many vaults(semi-colon instead of comma)
you built inside: no harbour here to hide
from retribution. Other lashes pale(How can one "wield' an eye "lash"? Please explain.)
beside the ones I wield; old sins of pride
laid bare with every blink – assassin veils.(Are you calling eye lashes assassins veils?)
The centres drown: dark pits to pull you down ("Centres" of what?)
to Hell’s damnation. Light has lost this fight.
An inner Dark reclaims the victor’s crown
surrendered once but won back here tonight.
Such bloodless battles serve to prove my claim( A fight with a succubus would seem to me to be "bloody" instead of your "bloodless.")


My comments are just suggestions. Use or disregard. Either is up to you.

Peggy
that Hell and Earth are only one domain