Succubus, English Sonnet Options

[Guest_bombadil1247_*]

Succubus

Beware these eyes: grey-steel and poet-wise,
they see beneath your soul and find the faults,
the frailties which define. These eyes chastise
the secret “you”, however many vaults
you built inside: no harbour here to hide
from retribution. Other lashes pale
beside the ones I wield; old sins of pride
laid bare with every blink – assassin veils.
The centres drown: dark pits to pull you down
to Hell’s damnation. Light has lost this fight.
An inner Dark reclaims the victor’s crown
surrendered once but won back here tonight.
Such bloodless battles serve to prove my claim
that Hell and Earth are only one domain.

[heartsong7]

Hi Jim...
a very thought provoking piece.
I see little here that needs attention in my view.
I did have some small quibbles with the following and offer some
suggestions you might consider if you feel they are helpful.

The centres drown: dark pits to pull you down I would spell 'centers' but perhaps 'centres' is regional spelling?)

to Hell’s damnation. Light has lost this fight. The several long I words (light, fight, tonight) in a short span are a little distracting for me. How about something like: "snuffing out the light"

An inner Dark reclaims the victor’s crown
surrendered once but won back here tonight. "won back" seems a tad weak. maybe surrendered once, recaptured here tonight"

Such bloodless battles serve to prove my claim
that Hell and Earth are only one domain. Love the strong couplet!

just some thoughts,
Sue