Lover's Meet Again/ Two Views, Spensarian Stanzas Options

[heartsong7]

Lover's Meet Again
Two Views

Revision:

She:
I watched you wrapping life in fantasy
until you lost yourself in make believe.
Appearances took precedence and we
soon parted. I still wonder—did you grieve
at all that I had gone? I didn’t leave
you; I left a man I didn’t know.
And should we meet again, we won’t retrieve
the newness of the love that we let go.
We are who we’ve become, with memories in tow.


He:
It’s true, I’d hide behind a fantasy–
intent that somehow I’d make you believe
a prince had won your heart, but I knew we
were far too far apart; for that I grieve.
The maybes topped with what-ifs made you leave
and I got lost in all I didn’t know.
On meeting once again, we will retrieve
the love we had before we let it go
and parted, pulled apart by pride’s strong undertow.


Original:

She:
I watched you wrapping life in fantasy
until you lost yourself in make believe.
Appearances took precedence and we
soon parted. I still wonder—did you grieve
at all that I had gone? I didn’t leave
you; I left a man I didn’t know.
And should we meet again, we won’t retrieve
the newness of the love that we let go.
We are who we’ve become, with memories in tow.


He:
It’s true, I’d hide behind a fantasy–
intent that somehow I’d make you believe
a prince had won your heart, but I knew we
were far too far apart; it’s that I grieve.
The maybes topped with what-ifs made you leave
and I got lost in all I didn’t know.
If we’ve another chance, then we’ll retrieve
the love we had before we let it go
and parted, pulled apart by pride’s strong undertow.

[Guest_bombadil1247_*]

Hi, Sue,

The Spenserian stanza is a fixed verse form invented by 1. Edmund Spenser for his epic poem The Faerie Queene. Each verse contains nine lines in total: eight lines in iambic pentameter followed by a single 'Alexandrine' line in iambic hexameter. The rhyme scheme of these lines is "ababbcbcc."

from your post in Karnak.

Getting the form requirements out of the way quickly, you have indeed produced perfect Spenserian stanzas. I note, too, that you have used identical end words in S2, mirroring S1 perfectly which goes above and beyond the requirements but 'feels' right for this piece; that must have been difficult to accomplish.

She:

I like the images presented here, particularly 'lost yourself in make believe' and 'I left a man I didn't know' - these strike at the root of the problem, the reason for the break-up. The certainty behind 'we won't retrieve' shows the realist. I have no nits with this stanza.

He:

The dreamer shines through here, 'prince had won your heart' but there is a suggestion that he is misunderstood 'somehow I'd make you believe' even though he acknowledges that as fantasy. This stanza has more weaknesses imo. I agree with Alan's suggestion to substitute 'for that' in l.4 above but have another couple of suggestions for your consideration. Firstly, in line 5, I would put maybes and what-ifs in quotes; secondly, I feel line 7 could be stronger. In S1 we have the full 'we won't retrieve' yet the answering line is 'then we'll retrieve' - if you were to reword a little to something like ' if we'd another chance, we could retrieve' and lose that weak 'then'.

Yours to use or lose of course, it's your poem,
Jim