Lover's Meet Again/ Two Views, Spensarian Stanzas Options

[heartsong7]

Lover's Meet Again
Two Views

Revision:

She:
I watched you wrapping life in fantasy
until you lost yourself in make believe.
Appearances took precedence and we
soon parted. I still wonder—did you grieve
at all that I had gone? I didn’t leave
you; I left a man I didn’t know.
And should we meet again, we won’t retrieve
the newness of the love that we let go.
We are who we’ve become, with memories in tow.


He:
It’s true, I’d hide behind a fantasy–
intent that somehow I’d make you believe
a prince had won your heart, but I knew we
were far too far apart; for that I grieve.
The maybes topped with what-ifs made you leave
and I got lost in all I didn’t know.
On meeting once again, we will retrieve
the love we had before we let it go
and parted, pulled apart by pride’s strong undertow.


Original:

She:
I watched you wrapping life in fantasy
until you lost yourself in make believe.
Appearances took precedence and we
soon parted. I still wonder—did you grieve
at all that I had gone? I didn’t leave
you; I left a man I didn’t know.
And should we meet again, we won’t retrieve
the newness of the love that we let go.
We are who we’ve become, with memories in tow.


He:
It’s true, I’d hide behind a fantasy–
intent that somehow I’d make you believe
a prince had won your heart, but I knew we
were far too far apart; it’s that I grieve.
The maybes topped with what-ifs made you leave
and I got lost in all I didn’t know.
If we’ve another chance, then we’ll retrieve
the love we had before we let it go
and parted, pulled apart by pride’s strong undertow.

[Alan]

Dear Susan,

This is very well observed, sad, and well presented.

Only nit :

It’s true, I’d hide behind a fantasy–
intent that somehow I’d make you believe
a prince had won your heart, but I knew we
were far too far apart; FOR that I grieve.

I think the "it's" is awkward there, this seems to be a simpler statement. You may of course disagree !

Love
Alan