The Dusk of Day's Remains, sonnet Options

[heartsong7]

The Dusk of Day’s Remains

His coming home alive was only half
the battle. Acting like he cared at all
for anyone or thing, to simply laugh,
was hell. Awakened, crouching in the hall,
not knowing where he was or why he should
survive, he raised the gun, and felt the scar
where once had been a cheek; then slowly stood.

By morning he'd retrieved his old guitar,
a scratched-up, string-less wreck he vowed to save.
I watched him recreate an instrument.
As countless hours of renovations gave
him purpose, he was peaceful and content.
He strummed his own renditions. Those refrains
still echo in the dusk of day's remains.

[Guest_bombadil1247_*]

The Dusk of Day’s Remains

His coming home alive was only half
the battle. Acting like he cared at all
for anyone or thing, to simply laugh,
was hell. Awakened, crouching in the hall,
not knowing where he was or why he should
survive, he raised the gun, and felt the scar
where once had been a cheek; then slowly stood.

By morning he'd retrieved his old guitar,
a scratched-up, string-less wreck he vowed to save.
I watched him recreate an instrument.
As countless hours of renovations gave
him purpose, he was peaceful and content.
He strummed his own renditions. Those refrains
still echo in the dusk of day's remains.

Hi, Sue,

much enjoyed this perfectly formed sonnet. There are a few suggestions I would offer for your consideration.

survive, he raised the gun, and felt the scar
where once had been a cheek; then slowly stood.

not sure about raising the gun, would feel more natural to drop it in this context? Would also remove the suggestion that he touched the scar with the gun, which cannot feel. The 'where' start to line 7 is too passive for me, perhaps that/which to give the scar more strength? The last phrase in this line is too weak and looks like filler for the sake of the form. I would suggest that this is the turn in your sonnet and you can make it an epiphany moment by simply saying 'and understood' thus preparing the way for the next section.

By morning he'd retrieved his old guitar,
a scratched-up, string-less wreck he vowed to save.
I watched him recreate an instrument.

I suggest switching the tenses between 'retrieved' and 'vowed', putting the vow before the trauma, to emphasise the 'picking up the pieces' element. Another thought might be to use 'next morning' to draw the line clearly. In line 10, I feel 'the instrument' would be much stronger.

My last suggestion springs from your clever use of emjambement to disguise the demands of this form - why not disguise it completely by laying it out as 'prose'? A close reading would still reveal the sonnet - and picture your readers' delight at that discovery - but the layout would not distract from your wonderful content. Yours to use or lose, of course,
Jim