Balboa Summers- modified Options

[anaisa]

Revision- tweaked and chopped ;-)


Balboa skies are deep wisteria
tonight, Tony's bar is set aglow
in strands of light. Beach Boy songs
float honeycombed around the bungalows,
where errant palms wave offerings
beneath pale summer stars. The flow
of tide beyond the pier retrieves a rhythmic
water-tune. Although I never stay until
the restaurants close, or dance inside the bars—
I still remember cigarettes and halter tops,
dampness of an evening chill;
the stinging sunburn from an august day
revealing tenderness, when peeled away.


first one

Balboa skies are deep wisteria
tonight, and Tony's bar is set aglow
in strands of yellow lights. Faint Beach Boy songs
float honeycombed around the bungalows,
where front yard palms wave errant offerings
beneath pale summer stars. The cadenced flow
of tide beyond the pier is sloshing out
a distant, rhythmic water-tune. Although
I never stay until the restaurants
have closed, or dance inside the bars— I still
remember cigarettes and halter tops
inviting dampness of an evening chill.
The stinging sunburn from an August day
and tenderness, when all is peeled away.

[Eisa]

Hi Karen

Nicely tightened up, but i'm with Daniel and Robin on the last 2 lines. I feel 'all' makes all the difference.

Snow