Breathes Death (Revised), Karnak "Longfellow's Excelsior Challenge" in SQ Format Options

[Larry]

Breathes Death

Ra’s bright device, while waning much too fast
to herald an approaching night, has passed
its zenith. Cloaking all the world in ice
while waning much too fast. Ra’s bright device
breathes death.

Catastrophe’s chill tongue… Flame dead beneath
its skin; a cancerous and blackened sheath,
is merely sign the fateful bells have rung.
Flame dead beneath catastrophe’s chill tongue,
breathes death

with stellar groan; proclaims an end to light.
As shadows dance through days once clear and bright,
the distant stars observe. What once had shone
proclaims an end to light with stellar groan;
breathes death.

No one replied as mournful prayers were said
imploring pity. Naught was overhead
but Stygian abyss; mouth gaping wide
as mournful prayers were said. No one replied!
Breathes Death,

“Hear now that solar sigh. Entropy’s rest
has stolen time!” No succor from the breast
which gave you life. All sightless stars must eye
entropy’s rest. “Hear now! That solar sigh
breathes death.”

Among the heaven’s height, a tiny branch
means nothing. A galactic avalanche
renews itself within black void each night.
A tiny branch among the heaven’s height
breathes death.

Hot air, wind from the stars, speeds heavenward.
Zeta-Reticuli, no Saint... Bernard
propels itself to meet Sol’s final prayer.
Wind from the stars speeds heavenward. Hot air
breathes death.

Ra’s bright device, like Isis’ faithful hound
emerging from its underworld, was found
to mark the solstice’s warmth. Shining like ice,
like Isis’ faithful hound, Ra’s bright device
breathes death.

Once molten star, Sol turned a sullen gray
and sightless orb toward a place where lay
its children’s frozen ashes. From afar,
Sol turned a sullen gray. Once molten star
breathes death.

Larry D. Jennings

[Larry]

Hi Lori,

Thanks for finally stopping by and leaving such a complete review of "Breathes Death". These will be answered in turn (some I'll consider, some I shall have to explain I guess)

Also thanks to John for the nomination. I don't think that this is the best one of the four from the Longfellow challenge but is the only one I brought over here for crits. Now to answer your crits and questions.

I’ve always had a struggle with the pronunciation of ‘fire’ when used in poetry – so I suggest (and merely my own personal preference) a switch to the word flames, chars, scalds, sears, razes, scalds etc. (you get the idea) here. It’s hard to grasp the idea of a raging fire followed with the word dead. The cells are now dead?

This stanza - S2 - has to do with the "fire" being dead or dying beneath Sol's cooling/motled surface (cancerous and blackened sheath...). This has nothing to do with human skin/cells. Perhaps I could use "flames" as you suggested because it is the only other word I considered when writing this piece.

In S3, I can't use "conclusion" because the death of a star takes a long time and goes through many stages before the end. Perhaps "proclaims an end to light" instead because the visible spectrum we are able to see is the first to vanish. The light in the infra-red and ultra-violet ends of the spectrum lasts for millennia sometimes.

In S4, I have to correct your assumption that "gaping" refers to the eyes. Perhaps "gape", a verb, could be construed to deal with a stare or an oogle but "gaping" is an adjective in this context. Here is a brief list of synonyms for gaping: wide, wide open, huge, cavernous, yawning, deep, abysmal. The abyss of deep space is all of that and then some.

Like your suggestion in S5. Maybe I'll change it to read:
which gave you life. All sightless stars must eye

In S6, I've found a way around all the "the's". Check out the revision.

In your S8 crit, you do the goddess Isis an immense injustice by merely relegating her to just fertility. She was known by many names for the numerous powers attributed to her and there wasn't, under those various names, anything over which she didn't control. That is just an aside though. The line in question deals with the star, Sirius, in which she (Isis) sometimes resided and other times controlled like a (faithful hound). Sirius' appearance in the sky marked the solstice and the flooding of the Nile which brought food and wealth to Egypt. This line uses the analogy that Sol's (Ra's bright device) position in the sky and the appearance of Sirius both hearalded the summer solstice's arrival. I'm one of the fussiest metermaids you will ever encounter and although the two lines in question in S8 are a mouthful, they are metrically correct.

Someone once told me I didn't have to explain my poems but I want every reader to understand what I'm trying to say; thus the long explanation. Sorry about that.

Larry