Crayons Don't Cry Options

[Guest_ohsteve_*]

Crayons Don't Cry

Colored smudges on the table top
from the picture she drew, now hanging
by alphabet magnets on our fridge.

A typical drawing of a six year old;
stick figures of mom and dad,
her and baby sister.

Yellow flowers in front of a red house,
with a bee as big as a hummingbird.

Our house isn't red...

That's OK, I put smoke coming out
the top, but we don't have a fireplace.

Why do mommy and daddy have tears?
'Cause you're sad about nana dying.
Why don't you have tears?
'Cause I know, she's in heaven.

She went out to play, while thoughts
of red houses, fireplaces and heaven
soared with my afternoon tea.

Feb. 17, 2010
© Steve Pray

[Cleo_Serapis]

Hi Steve,

I enjoyed the simplicity of this one. The innocence of the child is sweet on me. I did get a bit confused as to who was talking and would like to see you either use italics for the conversation or the quotes.


Colored smudges on the table top
from the picture she drew, now hanging
by alphabet magnets on our fridge.
If you could personify this somehow - like the magnets grasping the image, then a reflection to the smudges on table, maybe something of a switch here so the alphabet magnets come alive and are indicative of holding on like a portrait memory?

A typical drawing of a six year old;
stick figures of mom and dad,
her and baby sister.
I would swap with baby sister and herself.

Yellow flowers in front of a red house,
with a bee as big as a hummingbird.

Our house isn't red...

That's OK, I put smoke coming out
the top, but we don't have a fireplace.
This seems odd to me - are two people thinking here, talking aloud or is it one person, the girl? I would say 'even though we don't have a fireplace.'

Why do mommy and daddy have tears?
'Cause you're sad about nana dying.
Why don't you have tears?
'Cause I know, she's in heaven.
Delete the comma - are these the two sisters talking?

She went out to play, while thoughts
of red houses, fireplaces and heaven
soared with my afternoon tea.
Instead of stating the fact of play - could you introduce a particular activity she would do? The 'soared' with my afternoon tea seems disjointed here - but perhaps swapping the lines - start with the sipping tea (or introduce aromas etc.) and then refer to the play and how they might link together - perhaps she is having a tea party outside on the patio with her bestest dolls in their Sunday best?

Hoping this is helpful Steve!
Enjoyed the read,
~Cleo