Visions in Twilight Options

[4rum]

Many thanks to all who suffered through and helped so much
'rum

Visions inTwilight~Revisited

In anticipation I search the twilight
as the horizon dims
and you come to me in purples

once the sun has slipped its golden sabers
into that sheath which nighttime holds
I await you …

your step is soft
it stirs the lilac and sends me a fragrance
my senses awaken, quiver

your vision tempts
I need the beauty
the sanctity of your bosom

bared

wanton breath vaults breasts clefted shadows
licking at your neck
turned to catch last light

curved

inviting

reaching out to my lips

moments pass into violet
eyes are blurred
but not the touch

virile on velvet,
mauveine emotion,
sighs fallen from mulberry lips …

colors fade into memories
purple ever the last to go
your parting sculpture remains in my eyes

I reach out
your promise abides
you are there for me

in twilight

Original poem ...

Visions inTwilight

I look for you in the twilight
for you come to me in purples
once the sun has slip’t its golden sabres
into that sheath which nighttime holds
I await
and you come
your step is soft
it crushes on the lilac and sends me a fragrance
my senses awaken
quiver
your vision tempts
I need the beauty
the sanctity of your bosom
bared
shadowed cleft licks greedily at your neck
turned to catch last light
curved
inviting
reaching out to my lips
colors fade into mem’ries
purple ever the last to go
the molded sculpture remains in my eyes
I reach out
you are there for me
always there for me
in twilight

Corrected spelling of bosom. Thank you Eisa. Also corrected nighttime, thanks Siren

[Siren]

Hello Sam,
I believe this the first poem I've read of yours. You have so many lovely images here.
First of... the title is captivating, so kudos for that.

I will go through this poem bit my bit and lend my thoughts and suggestions.


I look for you in the twilight breathtaking opening
for you come to me in purples I don't think "for" is necessary here
once the sun has slip’t its golden sabres I kind of liked reading "slip't" as you wrote it here but feel you can lessen the wordiness here
into that sheath which night time holds "nighttime" is one word

I love how you start this poem. The longing spills through clearly.

I look for you in the twilight.
You come to me in purple hues
once the sun has sheathed its golden sabres.

I want to change L4 and let it flow downwards to the rest of the poem..

I await
and you come
your step is soft
it crushes on the lilac and sends me a fragrance

"I await" is pretty basic and I felt it needs more showing than telling, plus if her footsteps are soft the can't crush the lilacs... but maybe ruffle them a bit?

my senses awaken
quiver
your vision tempts
I need the beauty
the sanctity of your bossom
bared
shadowed cleft licks greedily at your neck I like "shadowed cleft" but how can it lick greedily?

turned to catch last light
curved
inviting
reaching out to my lips
colors fade into mem’ries
purple ever the last to go
the molded sculpture remains in my eyes
I reach out
you are there for me
always there for me
in twilight

Ok so much going on up there so I'm going to scribe my suggested changes along with line breaks and thoughts in a finished version... ofcourse all those are my opinions which you can choose to use or lose. I would also prefer to cut this out in seperate stanzas.


I look for you in the twilight.
You come to me in purple hues
once the sun has sheathed its golden sabres.

Nighttime arrests me
as your soft steps ruffle my lilacs;
lifting their fragrance, seductively.

My senses awaken, quiver,
as your vision appears,
luring need
for the sanctity of your bosom.
Ah! beauty bared!

I seek shadowed clefts,
lick greedily at your neck
in last night's memorial.
It curves invitingly
reaching out for my lips.

Colors fade with mem'ries,
violet clings almost endlessly.
I reach out
you are there for me
always.

My Twilight

I am sorry it seems I made a lot of changes. pls remember everything is for you to take or toss.

Lovely and deeply touching poem...

Dani