Three Years into Limbo (New rev 20.02.2012), 2 or 3 revs. *** (for crits) Options

[Psyche]

Thank you Snow, Steve, Wally, Dani, Lori and all for your enormous help.
I've just tweaked a few lines (put italics), so didn't copy & paste again.



REVISION

Three Years into Limbo

I was wrong.
Time is gentle with you.
Your mind sheds muddled memories.
Each day, you’re born again.
Conformist drill, primary needs,
hallucinations, mirth.

A broad smile greets me.
We hug - I'm your bride!
-What’s in t'bag?
-Cookies.
And peach juice. What joy!

-'Tis m'fiancée, B..b..ertha.
-Oh… I say.
Bertha stares vacuously.
You wave angular arms:
-M'wife lives 'nudder h..h..hotel!
Bertha articulates:
-Do come soon.
-Mmmm… I mumble.

Outside, pungent evening air
is a mocking lifesaver.
It’s Sunday. Families
stroll by with pushcarts,
cyclists whizz between lazy traffic,
the odd sparrow picks at garbage.

I feel lonely among the dog poop,
bicycles, sparrows.
Families irk me.
An ochre sky compresses my shoulders.

I hear kitty meowing as I
fiddle with keys in the lock.
She twines herself around my legs,
tripping me as I search for a cool
drink and our dinners.

My wits are awash in chaos:
my dreams dream you
on bygone illumined isles.

Limbo has dance-stepped over to my side
with sidling grotesquerie.

Poetry and plans are on hold…


20.02.2012 revs:
Conversations in italics.
S2, L5: Different.


Revs: S2, L5.
S3, L1

Sylvia Evelyn, Buenos Aires, Argentina, 2010.



ORIGINAL

Three Years in to Limbo

I was wrong.
Time is gentle with you.
Your mind dumped merciless memories.
Each day, you’re born again.
Conformist drill, primary needs,
hallucinations, mirth.

A broad smile greets me.
You hug me like a bride.´
-What’s in that bag?
-Cookies.
… gobbling goodies.

-This is my fiancée, Bertha.
-Oh…I say.
Bertha stares inanely.
You wave your arms:
-My wife doesn’t live here.
Bertha articulates:
- Do come soon.
- Mmmm… I mumble.

Outside, pungent evening air
is a mocking lifesaver.
It’s Sunday. Families
stroll by with pushcarts,
cyclists whizz between lazy traffic,
the odd sparrow picks at garbage.

I feel lonely among the dog poop,
bicycles, sparrows.
Families irk me.
An ochre sky compresses my shoulders.
I hear kitty meowing as I
fiddle with keys in the lock.
She twines herself around my legs,
tripping me as I search for a cool
drink and our dinners.

My wits are awash in chaos:
my dreams dream you
on bygone illumined isles.

Limbo has dance-stepped over to my side
with sidling grotesquerie.
Poetry and plans are out…



Sylvia Evelyn, Buenos Aires, Argentina, 2010.

[Larry]

Hi Sylvia,

This is indeed a very poignant but realistic view of life's final insult and fate's often premature kidnapping of a loved one. Perhaps death would be more merciful for those having to see memories fade and recognition die.

Let me throw out a few suggestions. Nothing which would change the beauty and sadness of your poem but just a few thoughts.

On your title: perhaps - Three Years into Limbo

S1L3 - Your mind sheds merciless memories.

I'm not sure about dialogue, should it be with some other punctuation?

Maybe use parenthesis or put the dialogue in quotes.

S2L5 - Not really enamored with "gobbling goodies"; seems out of context with the mental picture of sadness and resignation I get from your poem. Would you consider something like: crumbs and comfort


S3L3 - "inanely" may not be strong enough to convey the description of someone who sits in front of you but isn't there any more. Would you consider "vacuously" instead.

For your ending,

Poetry and plans are out…

May I suggest Poetry and plans must wait.

As always, take or toss.

Larry

p.s. Congrats on the IBPC nom.

[Psyche]

Hi Larry,
I'm so glad you dropped by! You're usually over in the rhyming sections, so it's a privilege to receive your comments.

Hi Sylvia,

This is indeed a very poignant but realistic view of life's final insult and fate's often premature kidnapping of a loved one. Perhaps death would be more merciful for those having to see memories fade and recognition die.

Yes, this is a controversial issue nowadays. There's such a lot of talk about euthanasia and so on, especially in Europe. But I observe that not all dementia is cruel to the affected one. Some don't seem to be aware that they've shed precious memories. I've seen some who've forgotten their whole career in spite of having enjoyed it! The person in my poem can read the subtitles of movies on T.V. perfectly, in two languages! But can't relate them to the events in the movie....and doesn't care! This despite not being able to read a book or newspaper...

Let me throw out a few suggestions. Nothing which would change the beauty and sadness of your poem but just a few thoughts.<<<<<< Thank you!

On your title: perhaps - Three Years into Limbo <<<<<< Yes!

S1L3 - Your mind sheds merciless memories. <<<<<<< I like 'sheds'. But not sure whether it's not a bit of a mouthful with 'merciless'. Might think of changing the qualifier.

I'm not sure about dialogue, should it be with some other punctuation?

Maybe use parenthesis or put the dialogue in quotes.<<<<<I don't like parenthesis. I'm not sure what you mean about 'quotes' here. Maybe as in books, with one inverted comma?

S2L5 - Not really enamored with "gobbling goodies"; seems out of context with the mental picture of sadness and resignation I get from your poem. Would you consider something like: crumbs and comfort <<<<<<< That would also be a good alliteration. I like it. Trouble is, I'm attempting to paint a picture of a person who is surprisingly happy, and who really does 'gobble goodies' with relish! Let me study this bit.

S3L3 - "inanely" may not be strong enough to convey the description of someone who sits in front of you but isn't there any more. Would you consider "vacuously" instead.<<<< Yes.

For your ending,

Poetry and plans are out…

May I suggest Poetry and plans must wait.

That's good, thank you.

As always, take or toss.

Larry

p.s. Congrats on the IBPC nom.

Delighted with your suggestions, Larry. Must get to work on revising. Thank you and cheers!
Syl***