 Three Years into Limbo (New rev 20.02.2012), 2 or 3 revs. *** (for crits) |
Mosaic Musings...interactive poetry reviews > Poetry Forums > Free Verse Poetry for Critique -> Seren's Synapse
 Jan 31 10, 22:34
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 Ornate Oracle  Posts: 11,078 Joined: 27-August 04 From: Bariloche, Argentine Patagonia Member No.: 78 Real Name: Sylvia Evelyn Maclagan Writer of: Poetry & Prose Referred By:David Ting  |
 Thank you Snow, Steve, Wally, Dani, Lori and all for your enormous help. I've just tweaked a few lines (put italics), so didn't copy & paste again. REVISION Three Years into Limbo I was wrong. Time is gentle with you. Your mind sheds muddled memories. Each day, you’re born again. Conformist drill, primary needs, hallucinations, mirth. A broad smile greets me. We hug - I'm your bride! -What’s in t'bag? -Cookies. And peach juice. What joy! -'Tis m'fiancée, B..b..ertha. -Oh… I say. Bertha stares vacuously. You wave angular arms: -M'wife lives 'nudder h..h..hotel! Bertha articulates: -Do come soon. -Mmmm… I mumble. Outside, pungent evening air is a mocking lifesaver. It’s Sunday. Families stroll by with pushcarts, cyclists whizz between lazy traffic, the odd sparrow picks at garbage. I feel lonely among the dog poop, bicycles, sparrows. Families irk me. An ochre sky compresses my shoulders. I hear kitty meowing as I fiddle with keys in the lock. She twines herself around my legs, tripping me as I search for a cool drink and our dinners. My wits are awash in chaos: my dreams dream you on bygone illumined isles. Limbo has dance-stepped over to my side with sidling grotesquerie. Poetry and plans are on hold… 20.02.2012 revs: Conversations in italics. S2, L5: Different. Revs: S2, L5. S3, L1 Sylvia Evelyn, Buenos Aires, Argentina, 2010. ORIGINAL Three Years in to Limbo I was wrong. Time is gentle with you. Your mind dumped merciless memories. Each day, you’re born again. Conformist drill, primary needs, hallucinations, mirth. A broad smile greets me. You hug me like a bride.´ -What’s in that bag? -Cookies. … gobbling goodies. -This is my fiancée, Bertha. -Oh…I say. Bertha stares inanely. You wave your arms: -My wife doesn’t live here. Bertha articulates: - Do come soon. - Mmmm… I mumble. Outside, pungent evening air is a mocking lifesaver. It’s Sunday. Families stroll by with pushcarts, cyclists whizz between lazy traffic, the odd sparrow picks at garbage. I feel lonely among the dog poop, bicycles, sparrows. Families irk me. An ochre sky compresses my shoulders. I hear kitty meowing as I fiddle with keys in the lock. She twines herself around my legs, tripping me as I search for a cool drink and our dinners. My wits are awash in chaos: my dreams dream you on bygone illumined isles. Limbo has dance-stepped over to my side with sidling grotesquerie. Poetry and plans are out… Sylvia Evelyn, Buenos Aires, Argentina, 2010. ·······  ·······Mis temas favoritos
The Lord replied, my precious, precious child, I love you and I would never leave you. During your times of trial and suffering, when you see only one set of footprints, it was then that I carried you. "There is no life higher than the grasstops Or the hearts of sheep, and the wind Pours by like destiny, bending Everything in one direction." Sylvia Plath, Crossing the Water, Wuthering Heights. Nominate a poem for the InterBoard Poetry Competition by taking into careful consideration those poems you feel would best represent Mosaic Musings. For details, click into the IBPC nomination forum. Did that poem just captivate you? Nominate it for the Faery award today! If perfection of form allured your muse, propose the Crown Jewels award. For more information, click here! MM Award Winner              |
  
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Feb 15 10, 17:59
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 Mosaic Master  Posts: 18,892 Joined: 1-August 03 From: Massachusetts Member No.: 2 Real Name: Lori Kanter Writer of: Poetry & Prose Referred By:Imhotep |
Hi Sylvia,
I have read this poem a few times now and am glad to be stopping in again to comment. I really do not want to suggest any changes as I completely understood the inner message you present in this stark piece. So much so, I think it is deserving of a ider audience, so I'd like to nominate it for the IBPC. Perhaps just one suggestion for that ending line: Poetry and plans hang in the balance... Very much enjoyed the read!  ~Cleo (check for a PM shortly). 
······· ·······"It's a dangerous business, Frodo, going out your door. You step into the Road, and if you don't keep your feet, there is no knowing where you might be swept off to." ~ J.R.R Tolkien, The Lord of the Rings
Collaboration feeds innovation. In the spirit of workshopping, please revisit those threads you've critiqued to see if the author has incorporated your ideas, or requests further feedback from you. In addition, reciprocate with those who've responded to you in kind. "I believe it is the act of remembrance, long after our bones have turned to dust, to be the true essence of an afterlife." ~ Lorraine M. Kanter Nominate a poem for the InterBoard Poetry Competition by taking into careful consideration those poems you feel would best represent Mosaic Musings. For details, click into the IBPC nomination forum. Did that poem just captivate you? Nominate it for the Faery award today! If perfection of form allured your muse, propose the Crown Jewels award. For more information, click here!  "Worry looks around, Sorry looks back, Faith looks up." ~ Early detection can save your life.MM Award Winner  |
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Feb 17 10, 00:30
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Ornate Oracle Posts: 11,078 Joined: 27-August 04 From: Bariloche, Argentine Patagonia Member No.: 78 Real Name: Sylvia Evelyn Maclagan Writer of: Poetry & Prose Referred By:David Ting |
Hi Lori,
I'm glad the inner message came across. Yes, I suppose it's a stark piece. One just writes and may not realize until others comment just exactly how hard a punch the lines may carry...  But wow....thanks so much for the nom! I hadn't expected that at all.  I shall be posting a revision, taking into account your suggestion, as well as Snow's, Larry's and Siren's. Must be off to bed now, will continue tomorrow!  Hugs, Syl***  ······· ·······Mis temas favoritos
The Lord replied, my precious, precious child, I love you and I would never leave you. During your times of trial and suffering, when you see only one set of footprints, it was then that I carried you. "There is no life higher than the grasstops Or the hearts of sheep, and the wind Pours by like destiny, bending Everything in one direction." Sylvia Plath, Crossing the Water, Wuthering Heights. Nominate a poem for the InterBoard Poetry Competition by taking into careful consideration those poems you feel would best represent Mosaic Musings. For details, click into the IBPC nomination forum. Did that poem just captivate you? Nominate it for the Faery award today! If perfection of form allured your muse, propose the Crown Jewels award. For more information, click here! MM Award Winner |
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Posts in this topic
Psyche Three Years into Limbo (New rev 20.02.2012) Jan 31 10, 22:34 
Thoth Dear Syl,
It is wonderful to see you writing agai... Feb 1 10, 04:10 ohsteve Sylvia, What a poignent piece to come back with, b... Feb 1 10, 13:54 
Psyche Dear Steve,
Love to have you dropping in to co... Feb 3 10, 19:15 Arnfinn Good poetry, Sylv,
Very easy to read: I feel depr... Feb 2 10, 05:24 Psyche Thank you, Arnie.. I had hoped it would sound mela... Feb 3 10, 19:42 Psyche Dear Wally!
Your encouragement is music to my... Feb 2 10, 22:19 Eisa Hi Syl
It is so good to read your poetry again ..... Feb 4 10, 19:07 Psyche Hi Snow!
Another apology for delay in replyin... Feb 15 10, 15:54 Arnfinn G'day Sylv,
NAH,
Writing, requires enegy... Feb 5 10, 04:44 Psyche Dear John!
You're so kind to remembe... Feb 17 10, 00:07 saore Slyvia this is very strong but most of all very ho... Feb 15 10, 12:03 Psyche Hi Sergio,
It is a bit heartbreaking to read, I r... Feb 17 10, 00:19 Siren This is extremely impressive. I love the refreshin... Feb 15 10, 20:48 Larry Hi Sylvia,
This is indeed a very poignant but rea... Feb 16 10, 10:36 Psyche Hi Larry,
I'm so glad you dropped by! You... Feb 19 10, 14:09 Eisa Great Syl! and I second - third and fourth the... Feb 16 10, 13:20 Psyche Thank you, Snow, for seconding +++++++ the nom... Feb 19 10, 14:15 Psyche Hi Dani!
Thanks so much for commenting on my ... Feb 19 10, 13:36 Thoth Hi Syl,
Regarding the dialogue dilemma;
Where the... Feb 20 10, 06:22 Psyche Hi Wally!
Thanks for dropping in again with y... Feb 22 10, 18:40 ohsteve Sylvia, you could do what I just did in Crayons Do... Feb 22 10, 21:18 Psyche Steve, I evidently missed your last commentary, so... May 3 10, 18:16 Psyche Dear all,
Another small rev that never got done i... Oct 27 10, 17:40 Eisa Hi Syl
I had a feeling your holiday would help yo... Oct 27 10, 17:57 Psyche Dear Snow!
Today I've been down memory la... Jan 22 12, 00:49 Psyche Dear all,
I've finally done my revs. Still op... Feb 21 12, 02:45 Eisa Ah Syl!
I am so pleased to see this one at th... Feb 21 12, 17:12 Arnfinn This is wonderful Sylv
It reads like a condensed... Feb 25 12, 05:07 Psyche Oh my goodness, John! I came over for a visit ... Jul 13 12, 23:57 1 User(s) are reading this topic (1 Guests and 0 Anonymous Users)
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