Haiku Options

[Guest_ohsteve_*]

Breathe in, breathe out, ah...
Autumn never smelt so fresh,
so where is the snow?

Nov. 16, 09
© Steve Pray

[Larry]

Hi Steve,

I came by to refute "Scarab's" snide remark about this being a Senyru and something about animals don't talk but it is no longer here!!!! It is not a Senyru because it is neither ironic nor satirical. From what I can gather, those are the requisites for that type of poem and its similarity to Haiku in structure. Don't know where his/her comments went but am happy they are gone.

Now, to give you an actual critique:

First, you are, in S1 telling the reader, not showing him/her what you want to imply. One must be careful when making an observation so as to maintain objectivity. You don't want to interject your own thoughts/conclusions about that observation; let the readers feel that "aha" moment themselves. Perhaps you might describe your breath on a crisp and chilly Autumn day.

Breath rises in clouds or Scents ride the cold breeze or something along those lines.

L2 - Don't name the season; use seasonally descriptive words known as kigo in Japanese. These words will place your observations in a specific season, time or place without your having to "tell" the reader.

L3 - Don't ask; merely report in an objective way what is happening or what you are feeling now: Snow will be here soon or some such observation.

You have the meat of an excellent Haiku "IMHO" but you need to work on it a bit.

Larry