An Email, cupcakes Options

[Merlin]

The In-box

In these days before Christmas, I’m certain you’ll see
An email that someone has sent cheerily.
Take a look in your litter box, there you might find
A note of this season; it’s one of a kind.
It speaks how politic’lly right we now are,
Embracing all peoples from near and afar,
Offending not one with the words we may say:
“Merry Christmas” is out, and so is “Good day.”
Our holiday season must now be like theirs
Or else they might suffer from obnoxious airs.
No bobbles, no bangles, and no Christmas trees
No Rudolph, no Santa, but let me keep breeze
Or else this dumb verse won’t rhyme, as it should
And many of you will say, “That is so nice!”

[Mary Boren]

Well, I slept too long. Now everyone has come and gone and you've done your thank you note, so you may not be hoping for further comment. I know it's an off-the-cuff thing done for fun, which succeeds as such, but I'm going to critique it as if I think you're serious about workshopping because I need the practice.

Even light verse deserves polish, Merlin. You've hit the nail on a topic that everyone can warm to, but missed a lot of opportunities to apply your word wizardry in a way that could make it truly memorable. Even if you are trying to underscore your flippancy leading up to the trees/breeze joke with other statements that scream novice (such as lackluster title, dull little marching words, bland rhymes, elision, first-letter capping, etc.), I would like to see some assurance that you really do know your stuff.

Obnoxious doesn't seem like quite the right word for meter or meaning. Petulant comes to mind as a suitable replacement. Lines 8 & 13 are both a beat short in the middle.

C'mon, let's see what you can do with this.

Mary