The Eleventh Hour of the Eleventh Day, X 10 for November 7th bySekhmet Options

[Sekhmet]

The Eleventh Hour of the Eleventh Day (1st revision)
Thanks Mary, Allan & Wally



Still they spawn those noble words;
those antique tales, that ancient story;
ringing out in Trojan ears; that
paean for death - or foreign glory.


'Here we stand!' - and - 'Here we fall!'
'They shall not pass !' 'The flag still waves!'
Democracy we'll give Iraq -
consigning thousands to their graves.

Loud, their pledge - 'We won't forget!'
Mouthed by men who never fought.
Heads held high, our young men march,
their youth and vigour brought to naught.

Still great men lay their poppy wreath; of
blood-soaked flowers, to hide beneath.





Still they spawn those noble words.
That antique tale ; that ancient story.
It rang out in the ears of Troy;
a peon to death - or foreign glory.


'Here we stand, and here we fall!'
'They shall not pass!' A flag to wave.
Freedom and peace we'll give Iraq;
yet send ten thousand to their grave.

And now, their pledge - 'We won't forget!'
Mouthed by men who never fought.
With heads held high, the young men go;
their youth and vigour brought to naught.


Still great men lay their poppy wreath,
with arrogance beyond belief.

10 Challenge Words used: Peace/freedom/noble/ grave/held/stand/wave/foreign/defend/glory

[Mary Boren]

Hi Leo,

Hear-hear! My sentiments exactly.

I think this has a lot of potential for a first draft. Challenge words can be helpful to get you going on a topic, but there's no law that says some of them can't be replaced in the revision process. I say this because the poem has a small-word/article-heavy choppy feel. The staccato effect may be your intent, but I think your lines could benefit greatly by exchanging some of them thar the's and that's with some zippy polysyllabics.

Um, I've never seen paean spelled that way -- is yours the French version of the word? In Texas peon has an entirely different meaning.

It rang out in the ears of Troy;

While this is the line that most appeals to me, your story/glory rhyme pair is weakened by the closeness in sound of Troy. It's close enough, in fact, to count for slant rhyme. Also, "spawn" is not quite what people do with words. I'd rather see you move this line up a notch and ditch the current L2. For example:

Still mouthing ancient, noble words
that rang out in the ears of Troy,
the Lords of War in somber tones
present their paean to death and glory.

Don't get me wrong -- I'm not suggesting you use this. No, it has to be your expression. I'm just putting out an idea that might shake something stronger loose if you don't feel bound to those challenge words.

Yikes, the inversion in S2/L3 stops me cold. (You've mentioned that you're still learning poetry terms, so if this one stumps you let me know and I'll come back and explain. I just don't want to talk down to anyone.)

I agree that the couplet could be strengthened. If you've done your job in showing the arrogance of these men (and women), then you don't need to tell it.

Hope I've offered something helpful.

Mary