Rings of Circumspection [revised 03 Oct 2009], (Falling paeonic couplets) Options

[Thoth]

This was inspired by Alice's Haiku. (I can complicate anything) W


Rings of Circumspection

Rev1

There’s a woman bent and weeping
from her harbour mirror peeping,
who although she’s smiling bravely
sees her daughter frowning gravely.

Silver ripples on the water,
smile at me oh mothers daughter,
laughing eyes have changed to sighing
turned to those of someone dying.

Evening shadow fills the harbour;
be my grave, my silver arbour.
Cleanse me with your liquid stillness;
end my fears and heal my illness.

There’s a young girl knelt and weeping
through a liquid mirror peeping
and her tears corrupt perfection
spreading rings of circumspection.


Orig;

There’s a woman bent and weeping
from her harbour mirror peeping,
who although she’s smiling bravely
sees her daughter frowning gravely.

Silver ripples on the water,
smile at me oh mothers daughter,
laughing eyes have turned to sighing
turned to those of someone dying.

Evening shadow fills the harbour
be my grave, my silver arbour
cleanse me with your liquid stillness
end my fears and heal my illness.

There’s a young girl knelt and weeping
through a liquid mirror peeping
and her tears corrupt perfection
spreading rings of circumspection.


Photo by WW Schwim 2009

[Thoth]

Dear Peggy,

Thanks for the interest and naturally I would be delighted to get some advise on the punctuation, as you know it is one of my many weak-points.

Hello Lori,
Thanks for your comments, always good to get suggestions in a critique forum. The idea for this one came to mind very quickly after reading Alice's senru so it does need some polish. (I found the photo afterward to go with it.)

The metre is similar to that used by Henry Wadsworth Longfellow in Hiawatha and is very lyrical. The falling metre is a minor key so should suit the sadness of the poem (All paeonic beats are lyrical due to the one in four pattern)

Longfellow also used a repetition technique of beginning a line with the last or second last word of the previous line to emphasize that particular word. (Not trochaic as most people think)

By the shores of Gitche Gumee,
By the shining Big-Sea-Water,
Stood the wigwam of Nokomis,
Daughter of the Moon, Nokomis.
Dark behind it rose the forest,
Rose the black and gloomy pine-trees,
Rose the firs with cones upon them;
Bright before it beat the water,
Beat the clear and sunny water,
Beat the shining Big-Sea-Water.

I love this to bits, note the repetition and the paeonic meter, in this case first syllable of four is stressed.
I did this subconsciously in S2 but since it is not supported in the other strophes I should change it as you suggest.

Hugs,

Wally