Rings of Circumspection [revised 03 Oct 2009], (Falling paeonic couplets) Options

[Thoth]

This was inspired by Alice's Haiku. (I can complicate anything) W


Rings of Circumspection

Rev1

There’s a woman bent and weeping
from her harbour mirror peeping,
who although she’s smiling bravely
sees her daughter frowning gravely.

Silver ripples on the water,
smile at me oh mothers daughter,
laughing eyes have changed to sighing
turned to those of someone dying.

Evening shadow fills the harbour;
be my grave, my silver arbour.
Cleanse me with your liquid stillness;
end my fears and heal my illness.

There’s a young girl knelt and weeping
through a liquid mirror peeping
and her tears corrupt perfection
spreading rings of circumspection.


Orig;

There’s a woman bent and weeping
from her harbour mirror peeping,
who although she’s smiling bravely
sees her daughter frowning gravely.

Silver ripples on the water,
smile at me oh mothers daughter,
laughing eyes have turned to sighing
turned to those of someone dying.

Evening shadow fills the harbour
be my grave, my silver arbour
cleanse me with your liquid stillness
end my fears and heal my illness.

There’s a young girl knelt and weeping
through a liquid mirror peeping
and her tears corrupt perfection
spreading rings of circumspection.


Photo by WW Schwim 2009

[Cleo_Serapis]

Hi Wally,

I'm glad Peggy this one as I hadn't read it previously. Yay! What a FAB picture to be inspired by. Would you mind if I use it for the October Pandora challenge? You could come up with a starting phrase, or a few required words, or even a specific form or max number of lines to respond to if you are interested in my request - let me know!

I won't comment on the PP (ounctuation policing) since Peggy can advise you there. Let's see if there's something that pulls at me...


There’s a woman bent and weeping
from her harbour mirror peeping,
who although she’s smiling bravely
sees her daughter frowning gravely.
Nice snappy opening - good rhythm and rhyme.

Silver ripples on the water, **Your choice of the word 'silver' seems to bump the meter a tad. How about using 'platinum' instead?
smile at me [,] thy mothers daughter,
laughing eyes have turned to sighing
turned to those of someone dying.
**With 'turned so close together, it doesn't actually read badly, but I would like to another word used for one of these IMHO.

Evening shadow fills the harbour
be my grave, my silver arbour
cleanse me with your liquid stillness
end my fears and heal my illness. **Suggest 'cease' in place of 'end' for alliteration to stillness.

There’s a young girl knelt and weeping
through a liquid mirror peeping
and her tears corrupt perfection
spreading rings of circumspection.

Luv it! The ending brings the beginning back to the forefront. Great write, Wally!
~Cleo